set apart this dream

Elizabeth or Elisabeth is the Greek transliteration (Ἐλισάβετ, Elisábet) of the Hebrew name Elisheva, meaning “God’s promise”, “oath of God“, or

He chose me before the foundation of the world. [1 Peter 2:9]
He has known me in my most inmost being, the most delicate parts [Psalm 139]
He calls me beautiful. [Song of Solomon 1:15]
I am more valuable to Him than any animal. [Luke 12:7]

 

Ever since I was a small child I have known the presence of God. 
His voice. His guiding. His watchful eye.
As a small child, running through the piles of crisp leaves on a brisk autumn afternoon I remember Him there. In the way the sun caught between the emptying tree branches and in the essence of the cool breezes that signified the winter to come. 
He has always been with me.
I have always known I was His.

But then I was older.
I could think for myself. 
It was easy to do whatever I wanted and ignore Him.
That’s when it got dangerous.
My delicate, innocent heart was left open to the lies.

…and I believed them. Every word.

it wasn’t long before I had forgotten those days as a child.
I was lost and afraid.
in a dark wood, covered by the terror of night.

then He came for me.
a dazzling streak of purity and strength shot across my night sky like a blazing star.
I strained against my chains and the manacles around my wrists reminded me it wasn’t going to be that easy. this was going to hurt.

He came for me that night.
when I saw His pure luminescence in the dark of the night, it was painful to my eyes.
painful to my heart.
I didn’t want Him to see me like this.

As I sat shaking in the cold and dark, He knelt down and reached to lift my chin.
Tears began to fall thickly and violently. Was this really happening?
I heard His smile, daring to gaze into His eyes. oh the love in His eyes…
He called me by my name then. softly. gently.
no one had used my name for such a long time..I had been so very alone.

Finally He stretched out His arm, reaching for my hands, reaching for the locks with no key.
it was there that fear swept me under. I shook my head and shoved my hands behind my back. I did not want Him to see the wounds, the marks the chains had left me with. 
Not Him. Not like this. Not here. 

instead of fighting me, He extended his arms around me protectively, holding me.
dirty me. broken me. scarred and wounded heart.
ultimately He won me over with His safety and persistence. 
I sighed and looked up at Him. 
“okay” I whispered, barely audible.

as I revealed my filthy, bloodied wrists to Him, I swear I could see tears in His eyes. 
His strong, clean hands clasped over my wounds and He gingerly removed the heavy metal from my weary arms. at first I didn’t know what to do, I was still shaking. 
we sat for a time, Him holding me; I was crying the entire time.
Eventually He rose and reached out His hand. He didn’t say a word, but I knew I could not stay here. this was my rescue.

I remember waking in a palace.
the most glorious light invaded my eyes and blinded me. was it really morning?
gazing around me I noted that I was wearing a gown and my skin was no longer blackened by dirt. could this be? surely I must be dreaming.

clambering out of the massive bed, my feet hit the warm carpeted floor and I scrambled to the door, seeking someone, anyone to help me. I did not belong here.

almost instantly, a kind blonde female, relatively close to my age entered the room, smiling warmly at me. “I’m so glad you’re awake!” she grinned, “we have much to do! the King wants to see you!!”

“The King…?” I replied back with a puzzled expression on my face.

“Oh yes! You’ve been asleep for days m’dear! He has not slept a wink since you got here, He only wants to be with you!” she gushed. 

“Oh…um… are you sure He means me?” I hesitated. How much could I trust her?
“I’m not exactly…royalty…or even a common person. I’ve actually been a slave my whole life. See?” And I reached out my arms, shaking back the sleeves of the silky robe. Sure enough, there were clearly visible scars, only barely begun to heal. This, however, did not deter my new friend. She simply smiled knowingly and gestured for me to sit down.

“Yes. It’s you He is waiting for–He has been waiting for years. I have heard many stories from Him about you. He wasn’t exaggerating either, you are incredible and you are BEAUTIFUL.” she halted and looked full into my eyes. “There is a lot of work ahead of you. I am not saying this to frighten you, I am saying this to speak courage into your heart. Let me tell you something you ought to know: you once lived in this palace. You were stolen at a young age and forced into slavery. Many of us who live here had the same thing happen to them and it is ONLY because of the incredible love of our most precious King that we have been restored. He means to restore you also, but you MUST trust Him and you musn’t give up. There is much to do in your heart and He will not give up on you. Not ever. You have incredible value to Him.”

I must have looked utterly shocked because it was then she introduced herself. It was a name I recognized but I wasn’t sure why. Smiling, she answered my unspoken question. “We’re sisters. You had forgotten, but now you are remembering. You are waking up. You can trust me. We’re in this together.”

My head was swirling and I was glad she had then left me to get changed, though I wished she had stayed, this gown was ridiculous. Who even wore clothes like this?  I sighed deeply, “She was right…this IS going to be quite the process. This isn’t me at all.”

I didn’t even bother to touch my hair, what was the point? I didn’t know what I was doing at ALL, so why try? Irritated, I made my way down a long golden hallway towards a commotion and a noise. Why did I hear so many voices? How many people were in this place anyway? Still disoriented with my head trying to comprehend my…sister’s..words, I noticed two giant double doors. It seemed all the noise was behind them so I reached to open them and as I did so, they opened of their own accord. 

My eyes were overwhelmed suddenly by the massive brilliance that was before me. There were hundreds of people, thousands maybe, all at a table that was a size I could barely believe. Once she shifted forward, straining to figure out whether or not I should even be here, the great hall went completely silent and I was afraid. Everyone was looking at me, some people were crying, others grinning in sheer excitement. There was a movement at the far end of the room and I just knew. It was Him.

And then He was running towards me.
He was faster than my fears.
There was nowhere to flee, nowhere to hide.
Then suddenly, He was before me.
Brilliance and splendor were shining from His face.
My knees buckled and as I began to crumple to the ground, He reached and caught me.
We embraced and I was crying.

The food was wonderful, but I barely remember it. I was enamored with Him.
Everything He said, how He treated everyone. His every movement captivated me.
There were so many faces, all of them I recognized yet I could barely remember them.
and then…it was over.

He lifted His hand and I put mine in His.
we rose from the table and ventured to a new place I had not yet seen.
it was a garden overlooking a great valley. the light was bright and everything was full of life. birds darted above us and butterflies danced all around. 
there was a gleam in His eye and His joy was infectious. I couldn’t help myself, I laughed.
we wandered over to a glorious waterfall and facing each other, we sank to the ground talking and laughing, already reminiscing of the feast and the fun we had there.
He hadn’t let go of my hand and now He reached for the other one, I did not hesitate to give it to Him. this was SO safe. nothing could happen to me here.
with my heart full of joy, I couldn’t even imagine anything bad…that is, until He asked to see my wrists. “let me see the wounds. they are already healing, but I need to see”

shame flooded my heart and my face.

“No. You can’t.” I resisted.
It was then I noticed how much that hurt Him to hear. The pain it caused me to see Him hurt was more than I could bear. Gritting my teeth, I inhaled deeply and rolled back the sleeves of my satin gown. The blood was gone now, but the marks were extremely visible and deeply etched. Tears sprung to my eyes and visions of the darkness came back into my heart. 

“You are safe here. I love you. I have saved you for a reason. Everything from now on will be okay. I will NEVER leave you.”

Courage rose in me and I threw my arms around Him only to realize He was already embracing me. This was joy.

As the weeks went on, and we spent more and more time together He began to tell me who I really was, explain what happened to me and we walked through healing together. Day by day He built courage and strength into me, a boldness I had never known became my own. 

He began explaining about how there were others like me, lost and still bound to death and darkness. “Together.” He said we would bring freedom. He asked me if I was able to fight with Him. 

As long as He was by my side I knew I could do anything.

Then one afternoon, He began to speak to me about love. 
 He gave me a promise, but He asked me to wait.
“Set apart this dream for me” He requested.

It was the night before I was to go on a mission, a very important and dangerous mission to recover one of our own and I couldn’t sleep. Completely restless and feeling the heaviest of weight on my shoulders, I left my chambers and began pacing beneath the light of a silver moon in the valley garden I had come to love and adore. The cool night air was refreshing to my lungs and taking deep breaths, I gave myself space to think and calm down.  I was not very long gone, not very far away from the castle when I faltered in my step and waited. 

“I’m so glad You’re here. I couldn’t sleep.” turning my head, I felt Him rest His hand on my shoulder.

“Yes, I know.” He replied. “Remember: I am WITH you wherever you go.”
Smiling I reached out and placed my hand in His, letting Him lead me back to the castle gates. “Come.” He beckoned, “Let us rest before the seige begins. We will need all our strength.”  As He led me back to my room, I noticed an assurance in my stride I had not known previously. I was His and nothing was going to change that. 
He left me in my room with a kiss to my forehead and I soon fell fast asleep. 
That night in my dreams I could see the hurting and the hearts abandoned. 
My yearning to see them know love was more than enough. 
I slept so well that night, but before I knew it, morning had come again and it was time to go.
As I slipped into my fitted armor, I reached for my sword and noticed a piece of paper near the hilt. A letter? For me? My trembling fingers broke through the wax seal and as the words leaped off the page and seared themselves on my heart, I gripped my sword ever tighter and firmly set my face to the east. Time to go.

“oh, lovely and beautiful, precious and priceless
you’re so much more than you know, heart of the purest gold
pure clean and white as snow clothed in such splendor
oh, what a beauty for Me”

He is healing you.

“You won’t always feel this messy. He is healing you.”

i could barely read the words, let alone believe them in my heart. this was too hard and i had no idea how i would ever be able to do this. i had built up this support system around me, people to help me, people to run to when i wasn’t okay and suddenly what was looming on my horizon was Jesus. me and Jesus. nothing else. no one else. 

let me rewind a bit.

my head was a flurry of insanity and my everyday life was full of non-stop activity. i had just moved into a new place and was starting to build relationships with my new roommates. there was a break in to our home and while much was stolen, it was very clear that we were being kept safe by something stronger than any of us. my duties at work began increasing as my boss chose to assign more and more tasks to me requesting that i take on project after project and it was nice to know i was reliable and hard working enough that so soon my heart and attitude were paying off. the days were busy and typically stressful in some form, however it wasn’t the stress that was crippling. 
i just wasn’t dancing with Jesus like i was used to.

things had been hard for awhile but my life always has had ups and downs, fairly dramatic and often enough that more often than not i simply held on as the ride pulled me along.  i never enjoyed the ride, the up and the down and it often terrified me. so much fear in my heart… i always believed someday things would change…but someday was a fantasy in my mind, a mountain peak of sunshine and glory that i never seemed able to apply to today. naturally, i kept surviving the whirlwind even though my heart was exhausted and it seemed like all i ever did when i wasn’t working or at activities, was sleep. often i would forget to eat and even when i would remember i wasn’t interested in food, i just forced it down and moved on to the next item on my agenda, on my never-ending list of to-do’s. 

rewinding a bit more…
back right before i moved, when i knew i was moving and i knew it was right, but i had no clue where or how or when it would work out, i had a long VERY hard conversation with a dear friend. as much as i have known her and her heart, she has never been one to accept “okay” as a state of being and in all honesty i was often afraid to keep in touch because it meant being honest and being challenged. i’ve never been very good at either of those things, especially relationally. so, like any other person would do, i tried avoiding the tough conversations and i only talked about what seemed acceptable. what seemed “churchy” and “appropriate”. i wasn’t living with grace and i knew it, but it seemed too far away and so i stopped trying to brush shoulders with it. 

so here i was, sitting in my room, on a very cold and dark night wrapped in a thick blanket with my space heater on, trying to warm myself enough so that i would stop shaking. eventually i would figure out it was fear and trepidation and i would shed the blanket, why hide when there was nowhere to go? 

a nervous smile and an attempted friendly “hello” and the conversation was swirling around me before i could even know how to keep myself protected and safe. i didn’t know how to share my aching heart, i was too afraid of voicing fears because then they might become real and if i could barely speak them, how on earth could i face them? how could i fight them? 

we talked.
i grinned.
and cried.
i was honest. and it hurt.
but… there was no anger or disapproval. no shaming or harsh words.
i shared my struggles and my heartache and was met with love and a very still personality that wouldn’t let me stop when i thought i had gone too far with my words. and then… this friend posed a very deep and important question to my heart. a question that even now i ponder and think about.

“do you honestly believe that you would be happier in your life without God?”

i was silent as the words saturated the air. i could feel my heart pounding, but knowing she was miles away i didn’t bother to stop it from racing in my chest.

“i….don’t know.” was all that i was able to weakly reply. 
and i really didn’t know. fear had gotten the best of me and i had all of these “escape plans” with what i would do if everything failed and nothing worked out. if i had to move from Kenosha, if i had to live by myself…i had even entertained thoughts of worse alternatives. 
but this question? it ceased my mind. it halted my breathing and for the first time in ages i stopped and went back to what caused me to leave my hometown in the first place. back then it was nothing short of Jesus that pushed me out of the nest and forced me to fly. somewhere along the lines i had forgotten what i was doing here. my purpose and passion had been stolen from me and even though i thought i had an answer to this question, i wasn’t quite sure how to get back what had been taken from me in only a couple months. 

our conversation ended after much more time than either of us had planned and by the end i wasn’t wanting to say goodbye. then i spoke a longing, more likely more in the form of a whisper than a word, but i said it nonetheless. “i wish you could be here. more than anything.” in my heart i knew it was foolish and completely wistful but i couldn’t help but hope that maybe, just MAYBE it could happen again someday soon. BUT then it was time for both of us to go, sleep was calling and i had a lot of thinking to do. before falling asleep, for the first time in quite awhile i actually opened my heart up to Jesus. my friend told me to do this you see. this is how she pushes me. makes me fight.

that night i cried a lot. and He held me. held my heart. 
for the first time in many many days, many many nights, i rested. and i could breathe again.

….fast forward to April 13th. it was a chilly very cold sort of morning, and not just cold by the air, but cold in existence. granted, i was awake at 4am after not falling asleep until nearly 1:30 but i could push past that pretty easily. Joelle was coming to visit. i was simultaneously afraid and incredibly excited. i literally had no expectations and still i knew it would be wonderful beyond imagination. as i rode to Midway airport with Heidi (worst drive ever!) my tired brain was overanalyzing everything that could possibly happen while i chatted with Heidi and we played our favorite songs. (yes, Disciple happened.) about 15 minutes before Joelle’s flight was to arrive, we shimmied into a parking spot and raced to find a bathroom. (girls+coffee+long drive=run). in no time at all, both Heidi and i were scanning every pair of feet coming down the escalators for the ones that were familiar. for the dear friend we both love very much. then suddenly (as i was looking the wrong direction, naturally) Heidi exclaimed “there she is!” and i looked up to see Joelle smiling at me and i knew i was already grinning. she had barely made it over to us before i was squeezing her tight, my heart feeling as though it were about to burst with joy. we spent the next 4 hours wandering the streets of downtown Chicago and even though it was sleeting and wet, i was having the time of my life. i felt so ALIVE.  ….by the time we got back to Kenosha i was exhausted. we all were and Joelle and i literally chilled in her bed for a couple few hours. we went over the tentative plans for the next few days. i felt like i was waking up from a really long nap and though all of these things were disorienting, i managed to hang out and have conversations. there was a lot of incredible laughter and deep heart moments shared. 

i will never forget the one night Joelle was visiting…and when i was struggling. the whole day i was really off and no matter what i did it was like i was on the outside looking in at everyone else’s happiness. granted, more like than not i really needed sleep…but i was down for the count and the enemy was having a field day with my mind. throughout church and lunch and a photoshoot we did… i was a mess in my head. it was like i was locked up and pounding on the doors but no one could hear me and i couldn’t claw my way out. i wanted to cry and just curl up in a corner in my room, but there was no way i could do that because my friend was visiting and well, to put it simply, there was no way she was going to let me do that and i knew it. so i fought to hide how i was feeling and i smiled and nodded and laughed on cue, but it was killing me inside. 
once we got back to my house and it was just us, we were relaxing before dinner (like i could even think of food) and i crawled under the covers with Joelle sitting beside me and i curled into a ball fighting tears. unexplicably i was deeply sad. whether it was because i was tired or Joelle was leaving soon, it didn’t matter. i wasn’t okay and this was the worst time to have to deal with this. 

but then i was deeply surprised. 
Joelle stated, “i have an idea” and left me sit there with a confused look on my face.
she turned around and handed me her bible.
i was even more confused than ever.
“um…?” i looked at her quizzically. 
“you’re going to read some verses” she took the book from me and began flipping through the pages. 
“…right now?”
“yes. right now. here.” and she handed her bible back to me. “read.”
i gulped.
Psalm 139.
my voice shook and i hesitated but Joelle wasn’t backing down on this. i decided to just do it and get it over with, i needed to find out what her angle was. why was she doing this?
i finished the specific section and she took the book back into her hands and flipped forward quite a few pages as i waited. so many questions.
1 John 3:1
1 Peter 2:9-10
Luke 12:7
Matthew 11:28-30
Psalm 145:18
Jeremiah 29:11-14
i was doing okay, most of the verses i recognized though a couple i was amazed that she had chosen them… i had heard these words from others before. i started to pay attention when i realized this wasn’t random. these were words over my life. then finally she said “okay one more” and as i noted that it was Psalm 18, i also realized i wasn’t very familiar with that one. so i opened my mouth and soberly began to speak the words on the page. very quickly they began to impact me. my voice faltered and i got choked up reading the lines. these were things i knew to be true. i had lived them. my emotions welled up and i was holding back tears. i was nearly finished when someone yelled “time to eat!” and i paused, looking up at Joelle, extremely affected by what i had just read. she held my gaze and asked me if i believed the bible to be true. i responded “yes, of course” and she continued, “okay good. THIS (and she held up the book) is truth. everything. else. IS. A. LIE.” it was very firm but i could sense something deeper in it. i didn’t understand it, but this was love and it caused me to have to brush away tears. i looked up and noticed that she had written in my journal a list of specific verses and i didn’t even have to ask why. they were to read. and to believe. and to FIGHT with….my identity. 

Joelle went home the following day, but our time together impacted me in ways i couldn’t even have imagined. days after i would re-read what i wrote in my journal, “i’m not used to being loved like this. she demands my honesty and she GETS it.” and those words were very true. it wasn’t that i didn’t know love, it was that this was different and it was unique enough to cause me to be shoved out of my ‘routine’ and force me to BE different. 

the point in explaining her visit was to display how i am challenged and my boundaries are pushed to their near limits. this is where i was when Joelle brought up a discussion about SOZO healing prayer. 

i had never heard of it before nor had i really had any experience with this kind of thing. i only knew that i could trust God and i could trust Joelle. so, with Joelle’s constant encouragement (i knew she had gone through it herself and thusly she truly believed in it) and a nudge from the Holy Spirit, i made a phone call and exchanged a few emails with a lovely woman named Holly. before i even could change my mind we had set up a time for a sozo session and i was asking off work in the middle of the week.

the day before my sozo is where i began this post, i was full of fear of the unknown, fear that God wouldn’t speak and general nervousness about what was going to happen here. i was texting my dear friend about how i was feeling and where i was at when she spoke those words to me. “He is healing you.” and she was just SO sure that i clung to her words and her faith and chose to do this, going all or nothing. if i was doing it, i was going to give everything to it. 

morning dawned clear and bright that day. it was already nearly 60 degrees at 8am and i made sure to wear a light t-shirt, something comfortable at least. with the word “love” emblazoned across my chest on my bright purple shirt, i set my course for Burlington where Holly and her sozo team awaited me. i was a bit nervous to meet them in person for the first time, but other than that i was actually quite peaceful. it was a comfortable, warm drive out to the city and as i neared my destination i discovered the Nestle chocolate factory. yes. it smelled amazing…. but i was on a mission and would not be deterred for any reason. 

9:20 am.
-i climbed out of my car, took a deep breath and began the short trek from my parking spot to the building i was headed towards. 

9:25 am.
-climbing a short flight of stairs i made my way down a wide hallway with a slight hesitation. i heard soft music and it sounded of gentle Christian radio. it was no song i recognized although i was okay with that, it was certainly the last thing on my mind. 

9:30am.
-i sat down in a comfortable arm chair with three lovely ladies around me and Holly opened in prayer. i took a deep breath and unclenching my fists, i let go of all apprehension and whispered, “okay God. let’s do this.”

2 hours later.
-i was walking out into the sunshine. i thought i was soaring.
i couldn’t stop grinning and i was laughing even though i was by myself.
the sunshine warmed my skin and as i strolled back to my car i knew things were going to be different. 

forgiveness is powerful.
healing is possible. 
and Jesus? He’s waiting to give more than you can imagine. 

beautifully faithful.

“catch the sound of my name and i start to wonder,
just how long i’ve been asleep.
You say it’s time, time to rise, wake from all this slumber.
suddenly my deepest winter’s turning into spring, turning into spring”
-Scott Krippayne  ’Alive Again’
sometimes when i’m afraid, i find it extremely easy to dismiss what God is truly speaking to me, to my heart.
this is how it works: God speaks something to me, i receive it and then try to “take care” of it in my own strength.
somehow my pride determines that it’s up to me to make what God spoke come to pass. (since when was it ever up to me??)
then, nothing works out that i attempt and i give in to the terrifying anxiety and fear. it overwhelms me.
i do not sleep properly. my eating patterns become sporadic. i wake up one morning and i’m trapped in the pit of depression.
the enemy shouts lies at me…and i readily believe them.

but then…. God yanks me out of it. He always does.

He is SO FAITHFUL.

what God spoke to me in the beginning came to pass.
and everything worked out beautifully.
it is continuing to work out beautifully.
He is more faithful.

so now what? i have been thrust into a brand new place of life– a crisp season overflowing with new fragrance.
and what of God?

well…. He has been speaking to me –even still.
His promises i cling to.

…depth.
…abounding.
…freedom.
…even more chains being broken.
…building of strength.
…intimacy with Him.
…abundance.
…radiant light.

He is SO faithful.

 

remain.

God told me to do the school of worship.
He gave me a full time job.
He gave me stability.

Then winter hit.
And for the first time in a long time, I was afraid.
I didn’t know how to be myself anymore.
Who I am was never enough for anything.
Several unfortunate financial problems occurred.

Car, cell phone, a scam.

Then God spoke to me “time to move on”
and my friends spoke to me, “time for something new”
Uncertainty completely overwhelmed me.

I could not, could not control anything at all.
Sleep was lost, food hard to consume.
My waking thoughts a torment.
My sleeping dreams full of fear and anguish.

February ended.

Still, nothing.

Emptiness came over me.
Emptiness consumed me.

Laughter was hard, but many attempts were made.
Speaking honesty became difficult.
“I”m fine.” and then paste on a smile.

Now it’s March.
and I am still afraid.
and I am still uncertain.
every door seems closed.

Hope is elusively sprinting away from my grasp.

“Be still.” He whispered.

and I was still –for a time.
but then the whirlwind began again.
and enraged by my silence, the darkness resumed with fury.

suddenly,

numb.

The One.

Sometimes we fall in love with something so ridiculously ordinary and sometimes that thing, that beloved, dear thing, becomes an idol in our lives.

For anyone who knows my story and how God rescued my life, for those of you who know who He used, and the situations He used…well you already probably know what I am going to write about. The rest of you who have no idea? Either a) ask me about my story b) read my old blog posts or c) keep reading.
DISCIPLE.
http://www.disciplerocks.com

A family to me. Really great friends. A huge light into my life and for about 3 years, they were the only way I knew to hear God. When I had given up on hope and life itself, God snuck their music into my life and into my heart began to grow His truth and love via the words Kevin would speak into my life, and the lyrics that many days were my strength and breath.
Depression would claw me under and I would put on Disciple’s music and, gasping, resurface. I found friendships in the community of music lovers and suddenly I had a reputation. I was somebody. Even that hardly mattered, these people loved me and were never afraid to say it, to remind me many times.

Instead of believing what God says about me clearly in His word, suddenly if I didn’t have validation from these friends of mine, it wasn’t enough. Several of my friends became very frustrated because they could see how unreachable I was becoming. As for me? I was surviving the only way I knew how in those days.

Then… it was the weekend of my church’s conference where our 5 congregations would come together, including past school of worship students, and spend a weekend getting focused on God together. Everyone comes expectant and God shows up and speaks big things. But…. I was having a very hard time making friends and getting to know people. My natural tendencies to be an introvert were winning and no one seemed to understand how frustrated I felt. To top it off, in the weeks and months leading up to the conference, no matter how hard I tried, I could not find anyone to share a room with….since there was no way I could afford a room myself for a whole weekend, I gave up on going.

In the meantime, two of my good Disciple boardie friends contacted me and said “hey there’s this show in Illinois the same weekend, on the Saturday, do you want to go?”
Believing I wasn’t going to the conference, I agreed.
To make a complicated story short… I ended up going to the conference.
And the show.

A lot of people were upset with me for leaving the conference that day.
I struggled with shame and condemnation for months after the whole thing happened.
To make it even more confusing, I had an incredibly rebuking conversation with the person at the show that I was looking for affirmation and friendship from… I cried a lot and didn’t know who I was in that moment. My past was chasing me and I couldn’t run fast enough. This one beautiful thing… I had ruined it. Destroyed it. Again. Messed up. Failure.

Then I spent 6 months on a hiatus. From the music, from shows (and there were shows!), Disciple released a new album and I took just enough time to give it a quick listen and read the album notes & lyrics. Then I put it on a shelf again and pushed it all away– out of bounds and not okay to even think about for a second. I disappeared from the online community and didn’t even keep up with texts anymore from people I considered friends.

Somewhere along the way, I gained an intimacy with God. I began digging deeply into Him in ways I didn’t know were there. Without relying on Disciple, I began to hear God differently…. and more. SO MUCH MORE. God spoke to me in this time about doing the Living Light School of Worship for the 2013-2014 school year. ( http://www.schoolofworship.us ) I found great fear in this direction, but then I worked on overcoming that fear. I filled out my application, and even turned it in… I talked to people about it… In those 6 months I began to build relationships with people in my church, at my job. I spent time reading books and drawing again… I started a 90 day Bible reading plan (yes read the bible in 90 days) and even though it’s been way longer than 90 days, I’m halfway through and that is still a huge accomplishment. There was a boldness in me that was build, a certain security in God and in hearing His voice and not being afraid to share what He was telling me. One of my best friends kept nudging and asking me about my gifting in hearing God’s voice. She spoke words about showing a strong gifting of prophecy… we had a few conversations that had me shaking most of the way through, but do you know what? I got through them. It became easier to talk about things. It wasn’t so hard to say I was afraid and why.

One evening, I came home from work and went to check my Facebook — I was expecting a message from my mom. As the home screen loaded, I noticed a Disciple show posting. Illinois? Just 3 weeks away? How did I not know about this? Typically I would have been planning this for ages… Suddenly I was seized with fear. Of course I couldn’t go. Didn’t God give me sharp, strong rebuke the last time? Didn’t everything crumble in my hands when I went the last time? Completely lost in the turmoil in my head, I curled into a ball in my bed and whispered, “God please just speak to me about it. If it’s no, then tell me no. I would almost rather it be no. It would be easier.” Shortly after, I fell soundly asleep.

Two days later it was still heavy on my heart, and I had been talking with God about it. I still felt a HUGE apprehension about the whole thing, but I knew this time I was not going to hastily jump into a decision. I got together with one of my best friends, I talked deeply with my homegroup leader and friend… firstly I shared with my roommates. In all of this, I was seeking God hard. Every. Day. I was listening for His strong, “NO.”
But I never found it.

Instead of answers, He began showing me Himself. He revealed depths of His kindness to me, He answered my heartache with mercy… but the strongest thing He gave me was a new understanding of grace and His love IN His grace.

It stopped being important whether or not I went, I didn’t get super excited about going, because I didn’t know if I would. As I voiced to my best friend Cara, “If I wake up the morning of the show and God tells me ‘Don’t go’, then I won’t be able to go.” In the depth of Himself that He had graciously revealed to me, I was lost in awe.

The morning of the show dawned wet and fairly warm for early February. I woke up singing a Jesus Culture song and I couldn’t do anything until I played it several times through. While I sang and whirled around the kitchen making coffee and breakfast, I knew I was going.
Naturally, I gave myself a tentative timeline…I knew it was forecasted crazy amounts of snow but it was just raining… rain on a warm day was harmless. I finished getting ready, double checked that I had everything I needed and set out to drive 2 hours to Elgin, Illinois.

The drive was fairly simple, following my Siri on my GPS, it was the most uneventful drive into uncharted territory I had ever taken (I get lost a lot). Hallelujah for the iPhone!!
As I made my way deeper into Illinois, driving through towns I had heard of been never been to, the rain continued on and I couldn’t help but sing heavy worship songs. I wore out my Kim Walker album and moved onto Hillsong United before deciding I needed some serious Jesus-jam time and cranking up The Spark. I made a pit stop at a Target, grabbed a quick lunch and re-set my GPS. 15 minutes ETA.
WHOA. Fifteen minutes? What a FAST car trip!!
In no time at all I pulled up to the venue and with shaking, nervous hands, I switched off my car’s engine. The rain was steadier now, thicker drops now. Quieting my racing thoughts, I took the time to ask God for comfort and peace. To keep my head straight and keep my heart and motives purely about Him. He answered me with a warmth and a joy and, climbing into the drizzle, I couldn’t help but grin.

Fast forward about 45 minutes later when I met up with the Disciple guys. Finally curling my legs under me, on the cushions of the bus that always feels as comfortable as home, I met the new fellows and after he finished up part of his video game, Kevin came to chit chat. We caught up the whole afternoon, and just generally had goofy fun…something I hadn’t really done for awhile. It wasn’t that at home I didn’t let myself, it was different.

Finally, I could be myself with this friend. There was no fear, no trying to impress, no pressing agenda. For the first time since I ever could remember, I didn’t have something I felt the NEED to talk about… I was good. Really good. So we chilled. And laughed a lot. And I’m apparently a good cheer leader when you’re playing a video game that you passionately wish to accomplish a new level of awesome in… I was greatly reminded of times with my older brothers growing up, except I was able to share bits of things God was doing and speaking to me, just like any other normal conversation.

I had a lot of joy to give and it was just overflowing. I couldn’t stop laughing, couldn’t stop grinning and there were times when I would hear negative things like “yeah I’m actually pretty absent you know” and I was just like NO YOU ARE NOT. Completely aware that it was not *my* normal reaction to say those things, I just knew they were lies from the enemy that I was pretty sure caused problems when no one else was around. I heard enough of those in my life to understand the kind of damage they can do to a person. It was like I could not resist speaking truth, and then there was the part where they fed me coffee. It was lovely and appreciated but oh my goodness do I get chatty.

We went inside to have dinner, and I actually ate. A legit meal.
If you know me at all, I never used to eat before shows. I just couldn’t.
Whether it was nerves or what, there was never a chance of me eating like at ALL on show days, even if it wasn’t Disciple. It didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be able to stomach anything except caffeinated beverages until after the show was over. But this day I had breakfast, lunch and now I was eating dinner. In front of people too. With my friend. All of these things had me really reeling. Is this what change is like?
Soon enough, it was show time. And I was excited, but…. it was different. The whole time I had been praying, asking God for a huge impact. It didn’t look like there was a huge crowd and that made me sad because crowded shows can be the most fun…but I knew that didn’t matter. God could initiate a crazy impact at a show of 10 people if he wanted to. Fully believing I was here for a reason and that it was going to be really great, I just thanked God for what He purposed to do this night. We were backstage and the crews were switching out the sets and instruments, the guitar techs and players were setting up and it was just me and my friend backstage off to the side. He peeked his head out to really check out the crowd and the stage and venue, and he turned around and came back to wait.

As people pushed past us carrying things, bustling and getting things done, suddenly looking at my friend I could see and hear God speaking to me. annointing. NOW GOD??? You are going to speak to me NOW?? He’s about to go on stage and perform. There’s nothing I can DO right now!

And then I stilled myself and took a deep breath.
Maybe this is why I was here.

Okay God. What are You speaking to me right now? I’m listening, I’m okay to hear You.

And then just like so many other times when I bring words to people, I knew to pray. I didn’t know what words I needed to say, but I never worry about that. God never disappoints in these situations.

Putting my hand on Kevin’s shoulder, I simply offered, “Hey, I really feel that I am supposed to pray for you right now.” In a completely unexpected response, I saw eyes of complete humility looking back at me and my incredible friend replied, “Okay let’s stand over here so we’re out of the way.” I nodded and we scooted away from the main walk area. As I lifted my hands up and lay them on his shoulders, the words just began to flow as I knew they would. What God whispered to me, I voiced with a boldness I didn’t know was in me. In it all, I completely KNEW the power of God working in me and it was easy to believe and see the annointing being poured out. God was moving and He chose me in this moment.

With joyful tears in my eyes, I finished with a deep heart-felt thanks to my amazing, beloved God and grinning again, squeezed my friend hard one last time.
“I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen. See you in a few!” and I disappeared into the darkness and the crowd.

Melodies and drum beats were very quickly echoing in that small room, hope was rising and as I clapped and jumped, I couldn’t stop WORSHIPPING God. I just KNEW He was reaching people and my story of great Redemption was brought to my mind. As Kevin sang and screamed the truth, the lyrics that I knew would reach hearts, the Holy Spirit residing in me was just DANCING and naturally I could not be still.

“We’re more than faces,
We’re more than just names,
We’re more than labels, the hypocrites gave,
With the affection of the Unseen,
We are the sons and daughters of the King!”

It was Sunday morning corporate worship at a small little rock show in Elgin, Illinois.

God strongly showed me that I don’t need to hear Him solely from the words of my friend.
He reminded me just how clearly I *do* hear Him. He reminded me of His incredible kindness and choosing of my life. He gave me a clear view of my past and His glorious name painted in crimson over everything I used to be chained to.

Two years later, God had taken a scared, empty, shell of existence and turned it into a vessel.
Instead of Kevin praying for me, like on that night in Rhinelander, Wisconsin so long ago now, it was me speaking and praying and following His leading.

It was and is one of the most humbling things I have yet to experience.
Yes, I am still learning and I’m still messing up– a lot, but even in that, His story is remarkable.

Redemption always wins.

 

 

untitled.

I was spending a length of time with God and He gave me a picture of Him walking, leading me up a mountain.

Leading me.

We got to the top of the mountain and there was a bloody cross and nails dry with caked blood, lying in an orderly heap. 
Jesus took my hand and together we moved the wooden cross to the top of the mountain.

THEN, with a piercing look He gave me, I understood.

In that moment, I claimed the cross as my own and as He stood beside me, I leaned down and reached for the first nail and hammer. As I relinquished the hammer to Him, I gazed at His face once more.  This gave me the strength & courage to take my place on the wide beams.

He knelt beside me and with my gaze locked onto His, I willingly extended out my arm to surrender the first nail to Him.  He put His hand on my shoulder, then took the weight of the spike from me.  I then stretched out and breathed deeply.  I could only see a blurry glimpse of Him now…and suddenly a raised mallet against an empty, gray sky.

Time seemed momentarily suspended and I exhaled, bracing myself one last time.

Excruciating.

My heart was on FIRE.

How could this be love?

…this was my death, but even then, I trusted Him.

THE tears came quickly, a steady stream straight from the wells of my soul.  My breaths were ragged, and short– gasping was an understatement.
Still, I stretched and my trembling fingers found another smooth metal spike.  Grasping its icy length, I clenched it in my palm and beckoned it towards my body. 

As I felt the shattered bones in my right hand, my heart faltered and I considered fighting;
in that moment I knew fear.

Almost as though He knew my inner struggle,
I felt a firm, warm hand rest gently on top of my shaking, rebellious limb.

Instantly He restored my peace and I recalled His eyes of glowering love.
Overwhelmed, my fingers released the nail into His grasp and with perfect strength I positioned my left side to exact alignment with the wooden prison I had begun to embrace.
This time, I pressed my eyes tightly shut and  solely pictured His face, and as the metal shattered my skin, I maintained my silence.

Agonizing.

It was so quick, yet it took forever.

As my blood slowly drained from my body, I was foggily aware of the figure at my feet….
kneeling.

The wind swept my hair from my face and with it, carried the murmurs of His soft, melodious voice. 

He was weeping for me.
He was praying for me.

My vision swam, one breath more and all I knew was black and void.

…And yet…I was breathing again.
How did I get on the ground?
What was happening?
Less and less was the agony I had known fully, only moments before.

A strong wind.  Refreshing.
Sound. A spoken word.

“Beloved.”

God Has Spoken.

Empty, void, gasping, a zombie. 

That is who I have been for too long of a time now. I will not deny that there have been brief seasons of joy and glimpses of splendor but then I blink and the winter is cold and sun is harsh and the winds cut to the bone. For anyone who has encountered me like this (as I know many of you who read this have) I do deeply apologize for how I get. To say it isn’t a choice would be the greatest of understatements. Some nights I will fall asleep weeping and the next morning I arise and I am invincible. 

Many friends have spoken to me (in love but of course) that this up and down is not okay, that there is a better way, there is stability that exists. When first these words hit me, I was angry. I was convinced these people couldn’t possibly know what it was like to have such a war about them constantly. Next, I was depressed and in despair. Often thinking “I can never attain this balance…it is far too impossible for me.” I would be sad for hours on end thinking of how amazing it would be to not have the swift shift in my world perception. After that, I was fully empty. Completely void of hope or feeling and completely believing God had brought me to Kenosha, plopped me in this state of misery and left me to crawl. 

But then just when I had given up believing there were good things for me, something would happen. Someone would come up to me on a Sunday morning and simply hug me for that moment too long that indicated true caring. Or, on a few occasions, people I know (but not well by any means) would speak words to me that cut daggers to my core because when they uttered those syllables, they really KNEW what it was like for me. There was understanding and there was grace….and grace, grace is the purest form of hope.  After these incidences had occurred I would be plunged into an incredible, deep starless night, full of a hunger I did not know was within me. I would dig and I would search and I would run until finally, in the wee hours of the morning, I would be so exhausted from my lengthy time reading the word of God until the letters swam on the pages. It was at this point I would finally fall asleep, only to wake several hours later from dreams which I would then have to carry with me throughout my work day. 

And then, there was a joint meeting of the churches. From the moment I woke that morning I was on edge. A few short days before that Sunday I had agreed to give a ride to a student on the School of Worship. So, that morning I picked her up and we ambled along to Lakeshore Tabernacle for the meeting. I remember that day vividly: the sun was warming and deep hues of golden yellow were about the air. Fall had really just hit us and though there was a chill in the air, this day was warm enough for sweaters and nothing more.  
I have a great thankfulness for this friend who was with me that day because in my apprehension of being around people, she made me laugh and become at ease with the day. We chose to sit down towards the front for the worship time and immediately I could not help it, I was engaged and my spirit was soaring.

As often happens in these instances, God almost immediately began giving me a picture with a specific word and right I away I knew I must bring it that morning to that person. In the midst of this prophetic painting coming together in my mind, another person I respect greatly and care about came up to me and gently spoke to me, “I believe I have a word for you.”  

In that instant, he had no way of knowing the significance of what he was about to speak to me, nor did he have any clue how quickly it would knock the wind out of me and drench me in terror. 

His words painted a picture of a figure attempting to pick out clothes to wear from her closet, clothes she had worn for ages and chosen carefully to represent her. As the figured picked out clothing to dress themselves with, it became apparent that the beloved, worn-in t-shirt no longer fit and the crisp new jeans with the price tag still attached also didn’t fit and certain clothes were way too big while others were so small it was ridiculous to even think they would work out for wearing.  

Then he continued, “In the next year, something is going to happen that is going to cause everything you wear to no longer fit who you are. There is going to be such a drastic change in you that will cause this to happen.”

After he had spoken and gone back to continue worshipping, I finished the word I had for someone else and quickly went to where they were and gave it, the whole time my mind was reeling.  Of course I knew what this word meant, there was only one thing it could mean. Something that terrified me and also left me frozen solid. Once the teaching had finished that day, I ended up going to lunch with two of my closest friends in Kenosha and it did not take us long after being seated at Chili’s and placing our order for me to spill everything that was caged inside of me. 

Everything just short of tears just poured out of me: fears, apprehension, doubt, concerns, questioning, honesty. Finally I took a deep breath and in my utter vulnerability to not wanting this, I found loving, caring eyes looking back at me. Patiently, yet excitedly, in turn they spoke truth and encouragement to my trembling heart. In that moment it was more than enough and it began to well up in me passion almost to bursting.  

When I got home later, I was surprised to find no one else around, and in a moment of total abandon and simple obedience I went online and printed off what I needed to complete to get things started. My hands shook the entire time I was writing and I was amazed my handwriting still was legible. I got through a page of the application and then I needed to put it down and do something else because life was calling me. 

Big mistake.

Many weeks would pass, months even, and still I would not touch those papers. Initially I had given a reference form to my homegroup leaders because I needed to prove to myself that I was taking God serious. I knew they would hold me accountable. 

Stealthily and quickly fear crept into my heart. How could I possibly do this? What on earth could I bring? WHY would this ever be a good idea? Who did I think I was that this would be something I was worth being part of? 

I became so very sad and so very afraid to even talk about the whole thing. This pushed me straight off the cliff into a subtle depression that would haunt me every waking and sleeping moment, I could no longer find rest. This was a life fleeing from God’s will.

This was Jonah refusing to go to Ninevah.

Eventually I couldn’t handle the weight. Not quickly enough I collapsed under the strain. Truly I blame it all on going to see Les Miserables in theaters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xs0jUEDz78k

I cried so much that movie finally gave me the small window I needed to realize what I needed to do. Visually through that film, God spoke to me so strongly and so with a very weak, resigned self, the next free moment I had I finished filling out my part of the paperwork for the application. I cried through a lot of it but then…it was over and complete. 

In that place, guess what I found? At the end of my rope I found a ridiculous consuming peace. 

AND NOW, the application is complete. And now I set up a meeting to discuss with Kal. 

Am I still fighting and struggling with God wanting me to do the School of Worship? Oh yes. So much so I cannot even with an honest conscious say I’m being obedient right now.  I’m afraid to surrender yet afraid not to and so for now I am in a perpetual limbo where I am clinging to the only thing I have– the truths God has spoken to me in hope and love. 

This has been an update.