have you ever had a day where every single thing that you do, every single thing that happens, it’s like you’re just getting punched and knocked down and the second you think you’re ready to bounce back up and try again, there’s another blow, even worse than before?
that would accurately describe my day today.
i went shooting this morning and sure it was great, except i feel like every single photo i took just SUCKS.
my settings were wrong 80% of the time and nothing i took was very original. the shots i thought i aced, when i said “i like this one” the person teaching me was like, “well….” and then giving constructive criticism, so i actually know it was all really sucky.
so i guess i understand how the other girl (the day we were in chicago shooting) felt now when she said she went home and cried. that’s exactly what happened to me, because i know that actually i’m not that great at all. i only used to take pictures because i enjoyed it, i loved being behind the camera, and now i’m questioning it. i don’t believe i can actually DO it. i don’t have a proper camera or anything. i’ve been thinking that it’s all been fun and i’ve learned so much but maybe this is the part where i say thank you for the experience, walk away and pretend like i never found out how much i suck.
then after that i hung out with a friend which i felt awful because i didn’t realize how late it had gotten while we were shooting and i NEVER do that to people so i just felt like crap. while we were hanging out, i felt like i couldn’t even focus on conversation or say anything interesting or ANYTHING. i suck as a friend too. just ask anyone.
then i took a nap, woke up to an email that was answered prayer really, but also is making me question things, which is what has led to it being nearly 1 am and me not sleeping yet again. like it matters though, i have tomorrow off and could sleep til homegroup, psh i could miss homegroup and it wouldn’t even matter. i’ve not missed it since i’ve moved here but no one actually notices or cares. oh well, some days you just lose right?
i had a word for someone during worship today. after i brought it to that person, they bounced out of the row and went up front and broke free of whatever was holding them, which in turn led to a HUGE breaking free and dancing time of worship. after things had settled down, God spoke to me and said that if that person had not gone up front, there would have been many people not set free, and that person told me that they had been super discouraged lately and that the word i brought them set them on fire and that if i hadn’t brought it, they never would have gone up front. most amazing result of obedience since i’ve been here. it made me throw myself into chasing Him unreservedly.. even MORE. rightly do i love Him.
My hope is in you. In what you will do. My hope is in you.
It’s one-day-at-a-time for me here. I’m patiently waiting for my miracle. Grabbing at the fray.
I’m in need of restoration.
A genuine smile.
A fresh breath of air.
A good nights sleep.
A side-splitting laugh.
A completely carefree day.
I need a best friend and a familiar home.
Another camping trip.
Day at the beach.
A nalgene bottle of well water.
i am learning, realizing, that life truly IS about the little things.
and God… He takes note of them 🙂
why is this on the forefront of my mind? well you see today, i woke up, thinking that i had an on call shift, believing i wouldn’t actually be working yet hoping they would need me because hello who doesn’t like getting paid? so i called into work an hour beforehand and discovered that i was actually working, not an on call shift! at first i was a tad bit grumpy cuz well it meant i had to get my butt out of bed and up and moving and let’s face it, i’m a night owl haha. anywho, i got up and as i was headed out the door, i realized it was a fairly gloomy day. “wonderful.” i thought, still pretty grumpy. gray days always make people crankier and more apt to be rude. i love my job but i dislike customers who think they own the world. if you can have a good attitude, i will bend over backwards to help you out. if you’re rude? i might just find something else to do when you need help, i’m more likely to ask another associate to help you out because i’m “too busy”. basically, i try to bring positivity to everything and the joy that i have, i try to spread, even to the crabbiest of people…but sometimes i just don’t want to deal with it. this morning was like that. i decided to change my attitude once i got into the car though, so, taking the advice/challenge of a friend, i put on hillsong and set off to work. halfway there i was cut off by a very dangerous impatient person weaving through traffic and ordinarily this would make me very upset and probably i would yell at them even though i know they couldn’t hear me. today? it didn’t even bother me. i was busy singing and worshipping Jesus, talking to Him as i drove. didn’t think anything of it then but now i’m like…ha cool!
work was good, i mean really, i didn’t end up hurting myself physically in any way and that happens very easily in that store haha. also i’m a klutz 😛 but really it was good, my performance was good and i could just FEEL the favor of God in what i was doing. every single customer i approached and helped was pleasant and easy to please really. what they were looking for i was able to find quickly and pretty much every single time it worked out for them. having such success made me increasingly joyful and when i walked i basically bounced around. i was just so joyful!!
on my break, i knew i only had like 10 minutes which isn’t really much time at all to just sit and decompress, and i debated for 2 of them whether or not it was worth it to pull out my ipod and read from my bible app. then God spoke to me and whispered, “even a single verse in your heart is worth it.” with that in mind, i pulled out my ipod from my locker and actually got through the first 2 chapters of romans, which was really really great. lately God has been speaking to me about foundations and being deeply rooted so that i can stand firm when the testing and the enemy’s attacks come at me. i know that this involves a grounding in the Word and spending time with Him no matter what.
back on the floor, i felt like i had just taken the most perfect nap. it was so strange! it was like the sun was out and shining and i had so much energy, so, with a smile on my face i hopped right back into what i was doing. to my amazement, everything was just…easy. putting things away was quick and helping customers continued to go well. at the end of romans 2 the verse says, “his praise is not from man but God” and it just HIT me so the whole time i was working, i was thinking about that and for some reason it made me even MORE joyful. me+joy while at work=singing. i really do love to sing, even though i’m pretty sucky at it 😛
the next thing i knew, i was instructed to “finish putting that pile away from the fitting rooms and then you’re done for the day” talk about flying by quickly!!
stopped at home and was off to homegroup!
i was excited because this time i was sure there would be several people there instead of only 2 haha. and i was right 🙂
it was really great meeting everyone officially and i don’t mind answering questions about myself anymore, i’m okay with people knowing me now. way more than i used to be. i think it was that night of vulnerability in the car after seeing the spark play that i knew it was okay to be vulnerable. no one stomped on my emotions that night, no one wrote me off as being stupid, or anything like that. they all just listened and were there, didn’t change the subject or anything. it was GOOD. anywho, after we did that for awhile, kelly talked about cadillac and lisa and i talked about the women’s worship nights then we all prayed and prophesied over Titus since it was his last homegroup and that was just SO GOOD. i was surprised to find God right there waiting to meet me as soon as i opened my heart to Him. i began praying in tongues and just thanking Him while ian prayed out about Titus and then he read a scripture from Ephesians 6 and he said the word “courageous” and right away i had Joshua 1 in my mind so i meditated on that for awhile and then also had a vision,, i was so captivated by how quickly both things came to me, and i just was in awe of God because i really felt like He was MORE HUNGRY for ME than i was for Him! i don’t even know how that is possible!! but it was incredible. just incredible. as we were nearing the end of praying, i heard Him speak to me very firmly, “I see the little things, the small efforts you make and I meet you in them. I multiply them. Where you try I will give you success and achievement.” it warmed my heart SO much, felt as though He had given me a pat on the back and said “well done”
i find all of this funny because you see i have always been a details kind of person, paying attention to the small things most people just pass by.
when i was eleven years old i used to spend hours upon hours in the summertime, laying in the grass in my backyard, nose pressed to clover beds, seeking out the four-leaf treasures that i believed would give me supernatural “luck”. it was enjoyable for me because now looking back i realise that i saw things differently, and i still do. when you’re face to the ground like that, you see the textures of the grass and the clover flowers, how they have a slight pink tone to them, most people see them as white. all of these things restore my soul and my heart. restoration restoration RESTORATION and FOUNDATIONS. DEEP DEEP ROOTS. UNSHAKABLE ROOTS.
soft sunlight blazing through trees, stretching to the ground where a glorious bed of green sprawls out in every direction, occasional spots of purple, yellow and white mix it up, breathing summer into the surrounding air.
a secret place.
this is where i was taking photos today, learning, exploring, being.
once i understood the camera in my hands, it was easy. move your hand a little to the left, now lift your eyes not your chin.
snap. snap. angle. snap.
so natural. felt SO good.
felt so right.
i kept having this image in my head while we were out at the park during the shoot… of a little girl in a beautiful, light sundress, wandering around as though she was lost, but wandering with purposeful footing. seeking new things, and not finding anything exact. she was not frustrated though, only peaceful, completely content to soak up the sunshine and LIVE. and she was singing. her eyes sparkled. she was in love you know. in love with her Father. delighting in His goodness brought her the greatest pleasure, the most joy.
you could tell when He spoke to her.
she stopped whatever she was doing, and in complete stillness she listened.
i chopped my hair off. like…REALLY off. it’s extremely short, not like buzz cut but it’s definitely shorter that i have ever gone before.
but that is exactly what i wanted. i contemplated going even shorter than this. didn’t do it thought. everyone keeps asking for pictures but i don’t currently have any sorry. i mean i took a few but i don’t think any turned out really, plus it’s almost 11 and plus my hair is really curly since i showered. i hate that it does that. why can’t it just lay flat or be in ringlets? why this messed-up, i’ll-do-what-i-want-to business? anyway, i digress.
changes! yes. oh and lowering of expectations, which is included in the changes.
you might ask what expectations i’m lowering and i will tell you.
when i first moved here i was excited to meet new people, excited to have new friends to hang out with and enjoy life with.
i was excited to stop being such a flippin introvert.
these ideals have proved to be completely inaccurate of how things really are here.
i have only 3 people that i’ve hung out with, 2 of them being friends that i had before i moved here and the other one? oh in a few weeks she moves back home to Canada, i’ll probably never see her again. strike one.
this all just really makes me curious…what makes me such an outcast? do i give off a weird vibe to people? am i awkward? is there something i’m supposed to DO that i’ve not DONE? i don’t know. but today i made some changes to me. my hair is gone, and i bought a sketch book.
give me some utensils, my sketchbook and my notebook, a warm slightly breezy day by the lake filled with sunshine and my ipod, and i am perfectly content.
lonely perhaps, but it’s what i’m going to have to get used to. i’ve determined you see, to get better at writing and get better at art since i suck at both. considering i don’t hang out with anyone or really know anyone and i don’t work THAT much, i do believe i will have tons of plenty of time to do this.
Tears cloud my eyes as I’m reminded of how lonely I feel sometimes here in Kenosha.
Everyone keeps telling me that it takes time, but I’m just so…hungry. Yearning. Needing.
I know He sees it, and I know there’s a reason, but it just hurts when I feel like half of my heart is up north with my family and friends, and the other half is down here with me. I just feel like that’s so wrong to not “be all there”
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, just how easy it is for me to say I will always be a loner,
so easy for me to say that i’m not a people person. but really i’m called to be something so different from that.
so why do i find it so hard to be somebody new??
it’s ridiculous really but i keep feeling like… i’m READY for new things, i’m READY and HUNGRY for new life,
to learn more from God, about God. just WAITING in anticipation.
but the problem is, i feel like i have no direction.
i talked with maggie about this one day and she said that sometimes you just have to live life.
i don’t know how to do that.
i’m SO action-based, just SO… need to do something RIGHT now to change things.
but i’m stuck. at least i feel stuck. like i can’t move forward and i can’t even really go back.
“Lord move in the way that i’ve never seen before,
cuz there’s a mountain in the way and lock on the door,
i’m drifting away, waves are crashing on the floor,