when you feel like you’re winning, you are going to eventually lose.

have you ever had a day where every single thing that you do, every single thing that happens, it’s like you’re just getting punched and knocked down and the second you think you’re ready to bounce back up and try again, there’s another blow, even worse than before?

that would accurately describe my day today.

i went shooting this morning and sure it was great, except i feel like every single photo i took just SUCKS.

my settings were wrong 80% of the time and nothing i took was very original. the shots i thought i aced, when i said “i like this one” the person teaching me was like, “well….” and then giving constructive criticism, so i actually know it was all really sucky.

so i guess i understand how the other girl (the day we were in chicago shooting) felt now when she said she went home and cried. that’s exactly what happened to me, because i know that actually i’m not that great at all.  i only used to take pictures because i enjoyed it, i loved being behind the camera, and now i’m questioning it.  i don’t believe i can actually DO it.  i don’t have a proper camera or anything.  i’ve been thinking that it’s all been fun and i’ve learned so much but maybe this is the part where i say thank you for the experience, walk away and pretend like i never found out how much i suck.

then after that i hung out with a friend which i felt awful because i didn’t realize how late it had gotten while we were shooting and i NEVER do that to people so i just felt like crap. while we were hanging out, i felt like i couldn’t even focus on conversation or say anything interesting or ANYTHING.  i suck as a friend too.   just ask anyone.

then i took a nap, woke up to an email that was answered prayer really, but also is making me question things, which is what has led to it being nearly 1 am and me not sleeping yet again. like it matters though, i have tomorrow off and could sleep til homegroup, psh i could miss homegroup and it wouldn’t even matter. i’ve not missed it since i’ve moved here but no one actually notices or cares. oh well, some days you just lose right?

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