friday adventures!!

hello lovely blog readers!!

it is Friday, October  28th and in one week i’m going to see my favorite peeps in Disciple!!

AND!! my best friend in the whole world, Elraen, is coming to visit for a weekend!!

but…in the meantime…

i’ve been getting creative!!

for example, i decided to learn the double crochet stitch awhile ago but wasn’t able to figure it out but today i did!!!

and the second thing i have done today is attempted rag-rolled curls… so this is my curled photo :

this was on inspiration from the awesome Elsie over at A Beautiful Mess she has some amazing posts there so

check it out, she’s legit!!

loves, xoxo

Were you happy when you woke up today?

yes. i was.

 

When were you on the phone last? And with who?

about an hour ago with mr. adam shrump 🙂 he is in seattle.

 

What are you excited for?

november. maybe.

 

What were you doing yesterday?

pretty much nothing honestly…it was one of those lazy days.

 

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

haha my finger, but that sounds weird so i must clarify i was getting food stuck out of my teeth 😛

better gross than weird 😉

 

Have a best friend?

i don’t. and it sucks.

in the words of sarah dessen,

“life is an awful, ugly, lonely place to not have a best friend.”

 

Do you think teenagers can be in love?

no. love is hard. comes with time.

 

Last person you wanted to punch in the face?

someone i lightly consider a friend.

 

What time is it right this second?

11:13 pm

 

What do you want right now?

to smile again.

 

Who was the last person you took a picture with?

i don’t even know.  i rarely hang out with people & take pictures anymore.

 

Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?

single. forever.

 

When was the last time you cried?

4 hours ago. i probably will be again shortly as soon as i escape to my room.

 

Do you find it hard to trust other people?

yes and i very rarely do so.

 

How fast does your mind change?

depends on the subject.

 

I bet you miss somebody right now:

it’s hard because the people i miss don’t even care i miss them.

 

Why do you think so many people cheat ?

the grass always looks greener but never really is.

 

Tell me what’s on your mind?

i am stupid for thinking. stupid for hoping. stupid for believing in november. stupid. stupid. STUPID.

 

What are you looking forward to in the next three months?

going home for christmas and not having to work.

 

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing?

frequently. i hate girly stuff most days.

 

When did you last talk to your best friend from elementary school?

i had a couple but it’s been years. i was alone in middle school, the outcast of the outcasts.

nothing much has changed. what friends?

 

When is your next road trip?

i don’t think i like road trips anymore.

 

How’s your heart?

shattered. that’s the only explanation for how much it hurts when i breathe.

 

Do you think somebody’s in love with you?

nope. i’m glad in a way. i wouldn’t know how to handle being liked let alone loved.

 

What are you planning on doing after this?

going to my room. crying a lot. then sleeping eventually, whenever i can pass out.

 

What does your 3rd recent text say?

“i believe it’s going to, it’s just trusting God in the details.”

 

What are you wearing right now?

leggings, dress, thermal shirt, cardigan and i’m still cold. flannel sheets anyone?

 

When’s the last time you had a grilled cheese?

wow a very long time.

 

Do you wish someone would call or text you right now?

it would be great to hear from Kevin, maybe then i could smile.

but that won’t happen so the answer is no.

 

Do you crack your knuckles?

yep.

 

What were you doing yesterday at midnight?

probably sleeping. or close to it.

 

What are your LEGAL initials?

EMS

 

Whos the first B in your contacts?

Bab. my work.

 

When was the last time you laughed really hard?

at applebees the other night with peeps. however, i didnt feel like myself so its hard to say if i was really

happy or just laughing to fit in.

 

Last awkward moment ?

today. shooting photos.

 

Are you afraid of the dark?

no

 

Have you ever tripped someone?

yeah probably.

 

Have you ever slapped someone?

yes. i have brothers.

 

Do you have any scars?

over 200. and no, i never went to counseling.

 

Is there someone you will never forgive?

i won’t hold a grudge no.

i can forgive but i’m not stupid enough to forget.

 

Are you dating the person you last held hands with?

that would be my sister. who insisted on holding my hand.

answer: no.

 

Can you go in public looking like you do?

i did. several times today.

 

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?

no.

 

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

middle/right.

 

Whats the first thing you’ll do on your wedding day?

i’m not going to get married. i do enjoy shooting weddings though.

 

Do you miss the way things used to be?

i do yet i don’t.

i gave God my life.

i knew it would be hard.

He never said, “give your life to Me and you will always 100% be happy”

no.

it will work out in the end though, that much i believe.

 

Will tomorrow be better than today?

has to be.

 

What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing?

black, and grey and grey.

 

Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?

yeah jared did once back in highschool.

oh yeah and the guys in The Wrecking dedicated “about to fall” to me at a show once.

best thing ever.

 

Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?

forced usually. i mean, i CAN be happy but it’s very very hard for me.

i have to have joy of God in my to be happy. #truth.

cover me.

all the days and the nights and times spent with You,

and the strong hope of grace that i safely come to,

trickle down, trickle down from this alabaster jar,

redefine, redefine the beating of my heart.

Merrilville, Indiana. One Church Ministries Conference 2011.

When I agreed with Brian & Lindsey that I would go to the conference, I had no idea what to expect. I mean, Living Light is a pretty passionate & intense church body as it is, but I had no idea.  The week before this conference was super stressful with work and life in general, and then the day before the conference I agreed to ride down to Louisville, Kentucky to pick up Sommer & Harmony from their grandparents… that was a lot of driving haha. Down to Louisville was 6 hours then a time change plus insomnia plus arguing with God equals not sleeping more than 3 hours that night, getting up then driving 4 hours north back to Merrilville, Indiana for the conference. When we arrived at the Radisson Hotel, the sky broke open and just POURED on us.  I was wearing my glasses, I was exhausted and REALLY not ready to enter into the presence of God.  I was wearing a long dress that had been drenched and it was a spaghetti strap so not only was I freezing but i was wet and the dress was heavy and the last thing I wanted was to get into worship. And yet… I made a choice to let God work and give up my inhibitions to Him, and in that moment, He met me there and though I was hesitant and unsure about the whole weekend, He reminded me that He works all things for His GOOD, for *my* good…and I was okay.

Each worship time that weekend felt like an eternity long.  God was speaking SO MANY things to me that just when I thought I couldn’t possibly handle anymore, He overwhelmed me with

 

//note:// i wrote this ages ago & felt i should post what i have of it, i don’t remember what i was writing & therefore cannot finish it. boo. any questions though, go ahead & leave a comment 🙂

i can’t help feeling that we almost had it all.

thank you adele for singing the lyrics i have lately taken refuge too.

no, my heartache is not from a want of a love relationship, but rather a friendship, two in fact, that i was certain would not end so abruptly as they did.  i let myself be vulnerable and trust too quickly. i see now that instead of keeping my guard up and seeking God first & foremost i was okay with having fun and the original intentions of the friendships changed somewhere i along the way and as linkin park says it best,  “i tried so hard & got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.”  lately i’ve been asking a lot of questions, being afraid to love again.  then God brings Karyn into my life out of nowhere and we spend an entire night watching youtube videos, psych and laughing until our sides hurt– something i desperately needed.  so often i find it easy to believe i’m unlikable, that my quirks are annoying or that i’m just plain boring and not a good person to be around.  those are the times i play songs on repeat, often crying to them multiple times during the day, reaching and hoping that somehow God is listening.  this week in homegroup we were discussing prayer and how we ought to be praying as if God is already answering what we are asking for, in full faith. well, that firstly implies that we believe 100% that He hears us every single time.  i realized that yes i talk to God a lot and i believe He hears me in my head, but quite often my heart doesn’t necessarily follow suit.  it’s those times where i pour my heart out and it feels like a one sided conversation, where i usually turn to the Word, desperate to hear His voice about anything, even if it doesn’t comfort me in my struggle at that moment.

i feel like i’m in this awkward in-between season right now, where it’s preparation and things are being built in me yes, but awkward because on one hand i feel like i’m more of an adult now than some 30 year olds i know and then on the other hand i feel as awkward as a teenager, especially when it comes to social situations and being around people.  my life mainly consists of working to make ends meet, and struggling to know God more.  before i moved to kenosha, i never even tried living each day being full of the spirit of God, mostly because i didn’t know what that even looked like, but now that i do, i find it’s actually a pretty significant challenge.  for example, last night (at homegroup) one of the ladies brought up a point that waiting on God with an expectant heart is vital, believing He will answer us and waiting just like a child waits for the answer from mom when he asks “can i have a cookie?”  so last night as i’m falling asleep, reading about Joshua, suddenly God speaks to me and says “i simply ask for your obedience, it doesn’t matter if you fail or if you succeed. i want you to trust Me.”  so naturally as i’m sleeping i’m dreaming about these things and a few other interesting dreams that in time will prove to be interesting i’m sure, anyway… it all led to me waking up this morning long before i needed to.  and man was i AWAKE. sometimes i’ll just flop around in bed for awhile going on facebook or listening to music, reading my bible, whatever but nooo i was awake awake. so i’m like okay… and i got up and brian & linds were leaving for the day so i was like “cool…2 hours til i even have to get ready for work, what to do what to do?” and suddenly i knew that God wanted me to go for a run. now let me tell you i am not the athletic type…i’m clumsy and short, the extent of my gracefulness involves frequently running into stationary objects (like at work today where i gained 5 bruises in a 20 minute time frame). so i laughed and was like yeah okay no.  then i couldn’t get that nagging “you’re disobeying” feeling to leave me so finally i put on my athletic shorts, strapped my feet into my Nikes, grabbed my ipod & took off.  the end result was shin splints and extreme exhaustion for the next 2 hours…but after those two hours i got this amazing euphoric feeling and as i’m folding clothes at work suddenly i just KNEW God was smiling at me and it felt great.  now what does all of this have to do with my original blog post? i don’t know. i’m tired!! haha. anywho sometimes i wish i had more direction for my life.  so many people i know are finishing college and getting good jobs right away and even getting married.  but i’m not even looking for those things.  like i said, it’s such an awkward season.  i’m okay with it, but somehow i feel the need for some insanity. can it be november yet????