i can’t help feeling that we almost had it all.

thank you adele for singing the lyrics i have lately taken refuge too.

no, my heartache is not from a want of a love relationship, but rather a friendship, two in fact, that i was certain would not end so abruptly as they did.  i let myself be vulnerable and trust too quickly. i see now that instead of keeping my guard up and seeking God first & foremost i was okay with having fun and the original intentions of the friendships changed somewhere i along the way and as linkin park says it best,  “i tried so hard & got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.”  lately i’ve been asking a lot of questions, being afraid to love again.  then God brings Karyn into my life out of nowhere and we spend an entire night watching youtube videos, psych and laughing until our sides hurt– something i desperately needed.  so often i find it easy to believe i’m unlikable, that my quirks are annoying or that i’m just plain boring and not a good person to be around.  those are the times i play songs on repeat, often crying to them multiple times during the day, reaching and hoping that somehow God is listening.  this week in homegroup we were discussing prayer and how we ought to be praying as if God is already answering what we are asking for, in full faith. well, that firstly implies that we believe 100% that He hears us every single time.  i realized that yes i talk to God a lot and i believe He hears me in my head, but quite often my heart doesn’t necessarily follow suit.  it’s those times where i pour my heart out and it feels like a one sided conversation, where i usually turn to the Word, desperate to hear His voice about anything, even if it doesn’t comfort me in my struggle at that moment.

i feel like i’m in this awkward in-between season right now, where it’s preparation and things are being built in me yes, but awkward because on one hand i feel like i’m more of an adult now than some 30 year olds i know and then on the other hand i feel as awkward as a teenager, especially when it comes to social situations and being around people.  my life mainly consists of working to make ends meet, and struggling to know God more.  before i moved to kenosha, i never even tried living each day being full of the spirit of God, mostly because i didn’t know what that even looked like, but now that i do, i find it’s actually a pretty significant challenge.  for example, last night (at homegroup) one of the ladies brought up a point that waiting on God with an expectant heart is vital, believing He will answer us and waiting just like a child waits for the answer from mom when he asks “can i have a cookie?”  so last night as i’m falling asleep, reading about Joshua, suddenly God speaks to me and says “i simply ask for your obedience, it doesn’t matter if you fail or if you succeed. i want you to trust Me.”  so naturally as i’m sleeping i’m dreaming about these things and a few other interesting dreams that in time will prove to be interesting i’m sure, anyway… it all led to me waking up this morning long before i needed to.  and man was i AWAKE. sometimes i’ll just flop around in bed for awhile going on facebook or listening to music, reading my bible, whatever but nooo i was awake awake. so i’m like okay… and i got up and brian & linds were leaving for the day so i was like “cool…2 hours til i even have to get ready for work, what to do what to do?” and suddenly i knew that God wanted me to go for a run. now let me tell you i am not the athletic type…i’m clumsy and short, the extent of my gracefulness involves frequently running into stationary objects (like at work today where i gained 5 bruises in a 20 minute time frame). so i laughed and was like yeah okay no.  then i couldn’t get that nagging “you’re disobeying” feeling to leave me so finally i put on my athletic shorts, strapped my feet into my Nikes, grabbed my ipod & took off.  the end result was shin splints and extreme exhaustion for the next 2 hours…but after those two hours i got this amazing euphoric feeling and as i’m folding clothes at work suddenly i just KNEW God was smiling at me and it felt great.  now what does all of this have to do with my original blog post? i don’t know. i’m tired!! haha. anywho sometimes i wish i had more direction for my life.  so many people i know are finishing college and getting good jobs right away and even getting married.  but i’m not even looking for those things.  like i said, it’s such an awkward season.  i’m okay with it, but somehow i feel the need for some insanity. can it be november yet????

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