a breaking day.

it might not make sense to anyone, anyone other than the select few who truly understand me anyway, but, you see, it’s been a breaking day. the kind of day where the tears show up inexplicably and the aching in your chest never really ceases. it’s a day when a happy song will break you and a sad song won’t even affect you. these are the hard days to get through and usually they’re spent in my room, doing something to keep me sane and remind me who i am.  very often it’s art that grabs my attention on days like this or music…but then again music can be painful so that has to be taken into consideration, just depends on the day really.  and then… on days like today, there are books. and stories. right now it’s the final book in the hunger games trilogy.  there’s something about returning to familiar characters and places, people who feel so real and seem to be friends…something about all of that that helps remind me that i am Liz Schanke and i may not be 100% right now but i am grounded and that is the important thing.

today has been one of those days.

and today… in the middle of a very enthralling chapter, my phone lights up. a text message. feeling very empty and hollow, i hesitate to pick up my phone because i don’t want anymore pain.  hoping it’s something stupid i can write off (such as a lame tweet or forwarded message)
i lift the phone into my palm and click the worn buttons until i can read my message.
my heart leaps.
it’s a tweet from a very important person in my life.
just saying he cares.
making a joke about a photo of me that makes me grin.
smiling? i’m smiling?
when did i decided that was okay?
why does my chest feel warm now?
when did this happen? i don’t remember allowing it.
and then i’m writing. clicking out words and phrases as quickly as i dare

because i don’t want to forget it and because i want to share myself with other people.
i have no idea what it will accomplish or result in, more pain in the end i suppose.
but at least, this way, when i cannot find the words to explain, i already have them waiting.

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