let me start this post off by stating a fact: THIS IS MY BLOG.
this is MY blog.
This is my blog.
this. is. my. blog.
Okay, got it? My blog. My space. My thoughts. My writing.
Now that we’ve covered the most important part of this blog, let me also state something concerning this blog:
i am grateful for this blog.
thankful i have a place to be honest through words when i forget how to speak them.
thankful that when i’m afraid of what i’m feeling i can tap it out on a keypad and store it here until i’m ready to face it.
thankful that i can communicate what i think or what i feel even if it is not correct. or truthful. or even coherent.
some very shattering events happened in my past and for those of you who don’t know, i was left without the ability to talk to people for a very long time. years. luckily, for me, i could still write. even if i couldn’t say things in person, i could write. don’t get me wrong, i didn’t lose the ability to think for myself or to have emotions, i just couldn’t communicate them. i might be utterly livid at one of my siblings but instead of voicing how i felt, i would stand there with tears behind my eyes, completely silent and stoic. in my head i would be screaming but on the outside i was unbreakable.
in years since then, i’ve been slowing pecking away at the shell that surrounded the guard i put around myself, my defense.
for a long time after i moved to Kenosha i continued to write but only rarely posted things publicly on my blog, the number of journals i have is slightly alarming. then i created this blog and told myself i would write at minimum, once per week…and as things go i didn’t maintain that. THEN there was a period of time where what i was writing was honest, but when confronted about it in person i couldn’t speak it. to be sure, i still can’t always own up and face the things i am willing to face when i write, it’s still something i’m working on and writing is still something that helps me. my hopes in writing this post is to clear that up for the people who read along with my ponderings and walk with me through the unfamiliar paths of my world– just because something may not be true or just because you personally may not agree with it does not mean you need to attack me about it or create a painful confrontation. there are ways to talk about but honestly if it’s brought up bluntly and catches me off-guard, it’s a very easy way to trigger my defense wall and i will shut down in my ability to voice what i’m thinking.