today is February 1.
one year ago today my life was in turmoil, completely up and down.
everyday it seemed like i was laughing and then an hour later sobbing and didn’t understand why.
everything looked so incredibly dark and daily i was asking myself whether life was worth it.
i knew i had made a previous promise to my good friend Kevin that i wouldn’t give up on life…
but darkness was all i knew and i was drowning, and drowning quickly.
music kept me afloat and my only hope was concerts.
as soon as i left one concert, i was counting down the days to my next.
the music made me come alive and in between the lyrics and the guitar riffs, i knew the presence of God.
even though my waking hours were complete misery, music made it okay, even if only for
3 minutes and 27 seconds. even when i was ready to give up, music pursued me.
i would have lyrics stuck in my head for hours, for days.
and i’d put the pills down, put the blade away.
i would go to sleep and wake up the next morning.
one weekend, i planned to go to the Rock and Worship Road Show in Madison, WI with my mom.
i honestly didn’t want to go at ALL but she begged me to go with her and i worked in the morning so
i could go with her and it ended up that the band whose music has impacted me the most played on that
tour, in an unforeseen series of events. i walked away feeling loved and hearing truth and being very
confused. i cried most of the way home because i felt loved and i didn’t understand why any single
person could care about me, i believed i was crap.
the following weekend, i went to a show in Oshkosh, WI with my beautiful friend Alyssa, who put
up with my anxiety and helped me fight through it to have a good time. we shared some intense moments,
both were overwhelmed by the kindness of beautiful people and the love of an incredible God.
i was shocked when i was asked to not drive all the way home that night because someone cared about me
and was worried it would be dangerous for me. i was happier than i’d been in months and really excited for
the following weekend when i was going to visit my friend Heidi in Kenosha…it meant i’d get to go to church
with her and also hang out with my friend Cara. well i got to kenosha and it was pretty late at night when heidi
and i were talking and spur of the moment we decide to go to a show 4 hours away from Kenosha…in Peoria, IL.
i don’t know what we were thinking but it was Disciple and i was stoked so i agreed to go.
that concert changed my heart.
the words that Kevin spoke, the events that unfolded. God moved and He shattered walls i’d had up for years.
i was crying in the car on the ride back, completely letting Him have my life and by the time we got to
kenosha, i was smiling like i hadn’t in years. the next morning, i woke up after only a few hours of sleep and
went to church. i knew God in a completely new way and i was joyful. i hung out with cara that day then that
evening, after being prompted by Cara and Heidi, i went to V&C for the first time ever (one year ago) and i
got filled with the Holy Spirit.
to say my life completely changed is an understatement…but it did.
2 weeks after that day, i moved to Kenosha and have lived here ever since.
God spoke and i moved.
i ran and God chased me.
i surrendered and God redeemed.
His strength is perfect and His grace is enough.
oh, how He loves.