a tribute to the saving grace and strength of my Jesus.

today is February 1.

one year ago today my life was in turmoil, completely up and down.
everyday it seemed like i was laughing and then an hour later sobbing and didn’t understand why.
everything looked so incredibly dark and daily i was asking myself whether life was worth it.
i knew i had made a previous promise to my good friend Kevin that i wouldn’t give up on life…
but darkness was all i knew and i was drowning, and drowning quickly.
music kept me afloat and my only hope was concerts.
as soon as i left one concert, i was counting down the days to my next.
the music made me come alive and in between the lyrics and the guitar riffs, i knew the presence of God.
even though my waking hours were complete misery, music made it okay, even if only for
3 minutes and 27 seconds. even when i was ready to give up, music pursued me.
i would have lyrics stuck in my head for hours, for days.
and i’d put the pills down, put the blade away.
i would go to sleep and wake up the next morning.

one weekend, i planned to go to the Rock and Worship Road Show in Madison, WI with my mom.
i honestly didn’t want to go at ALL but she begged me to go with her and i worked in the morning so
i could go with her  and it ended up that the band whose music has impacted me the most played on that
tour, in an unforeseen series of events.  i walked away feeling loved and hearing truth and being very
confused.  i cried most of the way home because i felt loved and i didn’t understand why any single
person could care about me, i believed i was crap.
the following weekend, i went to a show in Oshkosh, WI with my beautiful friend Alyssa, who put
up with my anxiety and helped me fight through it to have a good time. we shared some intense moments,
both were overwhelmed by the kindness of beautiful people and the love of an incredible God.
i was shocked when i was asked to not drive all the way home that night because someone cared about me
and was worried it would be dangerous for me.  i was happier than i’d been in months and really excited for
the following weekend when i was going to visit my friend Heidi in Kenosha…it meant i’d get to go to church
with her and also hang out with my friend Cara. well i got to kenosha and it was pretty late at night when heidi
and i were talking and spur of the moment we decide to go to a show 4 hours away from Kenosha…in Peoria, IL.
i don’t know what we were thinking but it was Disciple and i was stoked so i agreed to go.
that concert changed my heart.
the words that Kevin spoke, the events that unfolded. God moved and He shattered walls i’d had up for years.
i was crying in the car on the ride back, completely letting Him have my life and by the time we got to
kenosha, i was smiling like i hadn’t in years.  the next morning, i woke up after only a few hours of sleep and
went to church. i knew God in a completely new way and i was joyful. i hung out with cara that day then that
evening, after being prompted by Cara and Heidi, i went to V&C for the first time ever (one year ago) and i
got filled with the Holy Spirit.

to say my life completely changed is an understatement…but it did.

2 weeks after that day, i moved to Kenosha and have lived here ever since.
God spoke and i moved.

i ran and God chased me.

i surrendered and God redeemed.

His strength is perfect and His grace is enough.
oh, how He loves.

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