GRACE.

“..grace teaches us about the terrible price that was paid for our salvation.  Those three simple words are so unfathomable in their depth: “He gave himself.”  Some, motivated by kindness, might give a gift, or even a fortune, but he gave himself.  He gave himself to the human race.  He gave himself to a motley band of followers who would deny him in his hour of need, he gave himself to Satan’s hour, he gave his cheek to those who tore out the beard, he didn’t hide his face from spitting.  he gave himself to the full wrath of God, though he was appalled in Gethsemane, though he shuddered at the shocking revelation of the bitterness of the cup.  He sweated, as it were, great drops of blood, pleading with his Father that if it was possible it might be taken from him.  yet he prevailed, determined to save us, and for the joy set before him endured the cross, despite the shame.  He became the centre of mocking and shame from men and demons.  He gave himself to the sheer fury of a holy God who hates sin with a perfect loathing, and fierce anger.  The Son of God loved me and gave himself for me.”

 

-terry virgo, “God’s Lavish Grace”

songs are brave things.

“Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.”
-Proverbs 19:2

i’ve been yearning for a long time now to run forward, to move, to ACT and to DO SOMETHING. tonight at V&C however God just smacked me in the face with this verse. we were on the teaching of ‘Apostles Today’ and we came up to one of the sections, i saw this printed on the page and i almost started crying.  definitely the sharpest rebuke and simultaneous direction from God i’ve gotten in quite awhile.

i just don’t understand why God has basically yanked friendships from my life for this season and i make no secret of the face that i absolutely hate it.  i’ve found myself becoming bitter towards people during this time and a couple of those relationships i’ve addressed it, but not all of them.  the worst part is the fear and the doubts that come with it…you see, it’s always happened where i’ve said “okay, THIS TIME it’s going to be different. THIS TIME, i won’t be left on my own, wounded and bleeding.” and so far, things have been alright, nothing great, but alright but then i don’t necessarily feel like i’m living at all.  most days i sleep til my alarm goes off, or until i want to (if i’m not working early) and then i orchestrate my day based on whatever i may have planned already, but nothing is ever definite and it all seems very dull and routine.  i don’t really talk deep to anyone like i used to and it feels like that part of me that i once was able to use, has shriveled up and been made useless. until thursday night, i hadn’t seen one of my friends or really TALKED to her for about 7 months. and we were pretty stinkin close. the time together
was okay but things have changed and it’s going to be quite a time before i can really trust anyone like that again.

i can’t even write clearly right now.

nothing sucks worse than wanting to be open and SPEAK but being so so trapped.

i will let this song speak for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qdk3iPFYxg

“all i want is You and all i need is found only in Your heart”

 

listen live HERE

 

standing on a precipice.

you know that feeling when you’re about to jump into the pool off the side for the first time as a kid? and you’re really unsure about how deep the water is because well it sure looks a lot deeper than 3 feet and well, yes your mom and dad are there waiting to catch you just in case, but man it looks deep, do you dare to take the leap?
it’s the feeling just as your feet leave the ledge and you’ve completely let go, trusting yourself to the arms that await you.

that’s what my life feels like right now.

like i’m teetering on the edge of a cliff and i have a decision to make.

to go backwards is safety, the familiar, things i’ve known and are comfortable to me.
to fall forwards is to accept the unknown and embrace the risk.

but i also feel like i don’t have much of a choice.
i mean, at least to me it’s very clear.
stagnation never ends well. where there is no growth there is no life.

i do not know what changes will come about in the near future but as i choose to step off the cliff, whenever i may encounter it, i fully know that i am safe in arms that have promised to never let me go.

that will always be enough.

come close.

this is my favorite song currently.
it’s the only thing i know how to sing right now.

I wanna know You 
there’s so much at stake 
Can’t face the memories 
they bend me till I break 
Hiding from the past 
but it’s eating me alive 
can’t block it out when it’s comin’ from inside 

Every turn leads me to a new dead end 
lost again 
I’m screaming your name 

Come close Come close 
and call my name 
how can you turn your back on me when you know my pain 
stay close stay close 
light up the night 
save me from the part of me that’s begging to die 

Precious denial 
a stone to break my back 
the chains I carry won’t cut me any slack 
imprisoned by fear with no room for my heart 
my only hope 
only You can heal the scars 

Every turn leads me to a new dead end 
lost again 
I’m screaming your name 

(Chorus) 

Stay by my side 
if you leave me I will die 
Stay by my side 
if you leave me I will die 
Stay by my side 
if you hold me, I will fly 
if you hold me I will fly 
will you hold me 

(Chorus) 

Come close come close 
(come close) 
how can you turn your back on me when you know my pain 
(when you know my pain) 
stay close stay close 
light up the night 
save me from the part of me that’s begging to die

watch the music video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYG5NAwARiM