songs are brave things.

“Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way.”
-Proverbs 19:2

i’ve been yearning for a long time now to run forward, to move, to ACT and to DO SOMETHING. tonight at V&C however God just smacked me in the face with this verse. we were on the teaching of ‘Apostles Today’ and we came up to one of the sections, i saw this printed on the page and i almost started crying.  definitely the sharpest rebuke and simultaneous direction from God i’ve gotten in quite awhile.

i just don’t understand why God has basically yanked friendships from my life for this season and i make no secret of the face that i absolutely hate it.  i’ve found myself becoming bitter towards people during this time and a couple of those relationships i’ve addressed it, but not all of them.  the worst part is the fear and the doubts that come with it…you see, it’s always happened where i’ve said “okay, THIS TIME it’s going to be different. THIS TIME, i won’t be left on my own, wounded and bleeding.” and so far, things have been alright, nothing great, but alright but then i don’t necessarily feel like i’m living at all.  most days i sleep til my alarm goes off, or until i want to (if i’m not working early) and then i orchestrate my day based on whatever i may have planned already, but nothing is ever definite and it all seems very dull and routine.  i don’t really talk deep to anyone like i used to and it feels like that part of me that i once was able to use, has shriveled up and been made useless. until thursday night, i hadn’t seen one of my friends or really TALKED to her for about 7 months. and we were pretty stinkin close. the time together
was okay but things have changed and it’s going to be quite a time before i can really trust anyone like that again.

i can’t even write clearly right now.

nothing sucks worse than wanting to be open and SPEAK but being so so trapped.

i will let this song speak for me:


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