sometimes…big changes make me introspective.

“haven’t you seen me sleepwalking?
cuz i’ve been holding your hand
haven’t you noticed me drifting,
oh, let me tell you i am”

let me start off by saying i like change.
however… i don’t ever react well to it initially.
usually, i freak out and obsess and then once i feel the slightest bit of comfort in any sort of routine, i let myself fall right in step easily.

however… initially…

i started a new job this week.
i’m working for a medical supply company full time currently doing customer care, soon to be in a different department.
everything i’ve done so far i can find enjoyment in, even the tedious paperwork that we’re stuck doing because we’re new
(of course no one else wants to do it….it’s tedious!)
but yes, even in those things i can find enjoyment.

however… initially…

i’ve started obsessing over other things…non-work related things.
for example: my hair, the tidyness of my living space (after being sick for 2 weeks it sure got messy fast! hard to believe it was once tidy less than a month ago!), deadlines and planning for my upcoming concert and our church’s annual summer conference… that’s been stressing me out the most. i have no roommates yet and no possibilities at all even.

let me elaborate…
last year, i was roped into going along at the very last minute and i don’t regret it at ALL, however, last minute just gives me unnecessary anxiety and my goal this year was to have things planned out ahead of time. so, for months i’ve been praying about things and tossing ideas in my head.  the 2 people who stuck out to me most… aren’t working out for various reasons (one isn’t even going) and other people i would like to think are friends i can count on just leave me out to dry for things like this… flaky enough to be irritating. i thought i had one person but they refuse to completely commit and truth be told i am NOT spending $100/per night for 2 nights to get a room to myself. i would hate it anyway. so…if in the next what week? i don’t find roommates i won’t be going.
that will be great, i can work instead right? *sigh* frustration.

then, i’ve been sick so i’ve not slept well (especially wednesday to thursday… i had food poisoning so ANY amount of sleep i got in that 48 hours was interrupted by awful stomach and muscle pain and spasms).  so suffice it to say i was a bit cranky today… well when i got to work i decided “screw it, it’s friday i’m going to have a soda!” so i had caffeine…which sent me into crazy over-drive…and that was great for awhile but… then i got home and planned on doing some laundry and found my room messier than before because some things had to be done in the basement while i was gone at work…

on top of ALL of THAT, i’ve been extremely left out of the lives of my close friends lately.  i’m still fighting hard to not take it personally but it’s been weeks and even months for a couple of my friends and it’s just SUPER discouraging and it’s easy to believe lies when it gets like this.  the thing i hate the most is that there is literally nothing i can do.  i put the effort in but it’s never reciprocated, or if it is, it’s minimal at best.

oh yeah, and i’m going home for Father’s day and surprising my dad (he doesn’t know. everyone else in my family knows but he doesn’t) and while at an estate sale with a new friend of mine, i found this old avon cologne that used to be my dad’s signature scent but he stopped being able to buy it because it was discontinued but as a kid, my siblings and i knew to NEVER touch that glass, bird-shaped bottle on my parent’s dresser….well…i FOUND ONE! for $2!!! so i’m super stoked to give him this…

so yeah.

pile all of those things on top of each other, plus a few others i haven’t mentioned and what happened when i got home from work and found things in a less than desirable condition?

yep. i exploded.

worst i’ve had in AGES…and i felt completely out of control.

people always laugh when i say i have a temper, but it’s true, most people i know just don’t ever see that side of me…
well tonight it came out full force.

so in the time that i’ve spent cleaning and packing and cooling down… several other things have happened (including a nasty mold discovery…stupid unpredictable  life problems) and i’ve also started obsessing and analyzing myself.
i meant to write about the flawed way i see me when i analyze myself like this but i guess this blog took other directions.

well..i’m BEYOND exhausted now and it’s past 2am.
i’m glad i can sleep in.

bye bye bloggy world…

 

ps. sorry it’s been so long! my life is boring i swear!

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