dear blog readers… i guess it’s time to make it known… God has spoken to me about doing Living Light’s School of Worship.
anyone who knows me know that this was something i attempted to do back in 2009-2010…and it didn’t work out for me.
however, after quite the interesting turn of events, i ended up moving to Kenosha and starting a new life.
after i moved, i completely had erased SOW out of my mind and thought nothing of it again really up until last year when my friend Heidi did the program and my friend Cara (who had done the school a few years ago) said to me in passing “yeah i keep wondering when you’re going to do it” and then it was suck in my head for awhile and i mentioned it to God but heard nothing back about it so i let it go once again and shrugged it off as a one-time thought…thinking that maybe i still longed for it.
enter scene: starbucks coffee date with my homegroup leader and friend, Syd. we chat about life for awhile and i’m more honest with her about things than i ever have been before (since i’ve been working on openness and such) and we were just about to leave and Syd said, “okay well i gotta get going soon but before i go, well, i’ve been praying about something for you for several weeks now and it keeps coming back and i just can’t shake it so i’d like to discuss it with you.” and feeling dread immediately (things like this very rarely result in encouragement from people in my life…actually they never have been encouraging) i swallowed hard and said “what’s up?” to which she asked me the question, “have you thought about doing the school of worship next year?” my immediately and quick response was “nope” and there was definite fear and apprehension in my voice and probably in my eyes too. we talked about it a bit more and she just encouraged me to pray about it and seek God on it and really seriously think about it…so i did. i prayed about it for several days and then that following Sunday there was a joint meeting of all the churches with another congregation in our town and during the worship time i felt led to speak with God about it again and so i began just asking for Him to speak to me, asking for confirmation and i had gotten to a place of desperation because He wasn’t answering me at all, i wasn’t hearing Him speak…for anything. And then just as soon as I had silenced myself, a friend came over to me and gave me the exact word of confirmation i was looking for…and that friend had NO idea i had even been thinking about it. I started crying and tried to swallow what God was speaking.
…and that’s when the fears started hitting me.
–i have to pick up my flute…..it’s been over 4 years.
too many memories. too much pain and associated hurt.
…but God spoke.
–what if i change and lose the few friends i have?
people always leave. it’s a fact. and i always end up hurting and asking why.
–what could i possibly have to offer?
i’m not a talented musician and i definitely can’t sing. at ALL.
i’m not a dancer, i have no natural born grace in anything, even walking straight i can barely do some days.
–how will i pay for this?
people always say ‘well God will provide the funds if He wants you to do it’
okay sure that’s easy for you to say but no one has ever given me money and i doubt anyone ever will.
like i stated above ^ i don’t have many friends, or anything that i could even think of…
i mostly pass through life as a ghost, barely seen and rarely heard.
i’ve strongly considered taking back my old job at Eddie Bauer on Saturdays and Friday nights, to help save up.
i don’t have a social life at all anyway so what would it matter if i was working 6/7 days a week?
–will they even let me reapply? i haven’t spoken to Kal at all about it or anything and i’m not exactly the most likeable popular person around… like i said previously, i mostly ghost through life unnoticed. i tried this whole SOW thing a couple few years ago and it didn’t work out…how on earth could it possibly work now?
and i’m alone for the week in my house.
and next weekend i’m shooting my first solo wedding.
and it will be the first time since 2009 that i’ve not gone to a concert when it’s come this close.
i feel like my heart is surely breaking and joy is so far… i’m worn.