so i went back to Reedsburg for a weekend…

Friday night after i got off of work, i hopped in my car and after 3 hours of winding roads and fading sunbeams, i was back at my parent’s house.  once i got my car unloaded and chatted with my parents for a bit, snuggled with my cat and changed out of my work clothes, my sister had gotten home from work.  she said she was hungry and we debated for a good 20 minutes at least about what we wanted to do. my mom soon joined in and we all came to an agreement: Applebee’s for 1/2 price appetizers.  as we drove to the Dells, jamming to some tunes, we texted my youngest sister who was just getting out of work (she works in the Dells) to meet us at Applebee’s.  soon enough we were pulling into a parking stall next to my youngest sister who (of course) beat us there.  we all scrambled out of the car and since it was chilly we ambled toward the door, me lagging behind with my youngest sister who was chastising me for wearing her sweatpants (haha things sisters do!)

as we neared the front doors, chatting away, a small group of guys straggled out and gathered in a small circle just off the sidewalk.  out of the corner of my eye i had a thought, “that guy sure looks a lot like Micah (of Disciple)” and then i laughed at myself for being so ridiculous, because this is the Dells and that’s close to Reedsburg, middle of nowhere USA… there was no possible way Disciple was anywhere near me. not this weekend. this weekend Disciple was playing two shows within 2 hours of me and i wasn’t going to either one of them.  one was in Kimberly, WI and the other in Rockford, IL.  i wasn’t going to those shows because a) i was shooting a wedding during one of them and b) after what happened at the OCM conference this summer… i knew it would be a long time before i went to a show again. more than 4 people were extremely upset with me that i went and two of them even suggested that i leave the church..or change. so i’ve been changing and that is why i didn’t go.  add to all of that a very long suffering struggle with joy (it’s been going on for months now) and there you have me at this moment, stopping dead in my tracks outside this random Applebee’s as i heard the guy speak and it hit me that it really WAS Micah. i couldn’t even speak i only stared and it wasn’t too long before he realized i was staring.  as he started to really look at me, it dawned on him who i was too. at the same time we unanimously exclaimed, “SHUT UP ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” and both started grinning and laughing we hugged each other.  the time was brief, but it was enough to seriously mess me up.

how can it happen that once i’ve finally resigned myself to not seeing my Disciple friends for a long time, that i run into them so close to where i grew up? to a place i don’t visit very often anymore….at a restaurant i’ve only been to half a handful of times…that THEN, i run into one of the guys?

to make things worse, the joy i felt at being able to hug him and say hello has given me a deep-seated guilt in my stomach that has made me feel sick ever since.  i literally can’t even eat normally.  the whole 3 hour drive back to Keno from Reedsburg i cried on and off. once i got back to Keno i had to jump out of my car and into the Cowen’s van and zoom up to Milwaukee to snag them from the airport.  by that point i was mostly numbed to emotion so i put on some good old fashioned Skillet and cranked it. it had been years since i’d really listened to the ‘Comatose’ album and it didn’t disappoint.

most days i wish i had a good friend to talk to about these things instead of typing them out to a computer screen, but getting close to people just plain never ends well. i tried texting two of my closest friends to talk tonight but as usual i am invisible and ignored so once again, the computer screen gets my words and thoughts.  i am ready for this work week to begin so i can get my mind off of my useless life and onto something useful.  busy busy busy. how i love being busy.

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