beautifully faithful.

“catch the sound of my name and i start to wonder,
just how long i’ve been asleep.
You say it’s time, time to rise, wake from all this slumber.
suddenly my deepest winter’s turning into spring, turning into spring”
-Scott Krippayne  ‘Alive Again’
sometimes when i’m afraid, i find it extremely easy to dismiss what God is truly speaking to me, to my heart.
this is how it works: God speaks something to me, i receive it and then try to “take care” of it in my own strength.
somehow my pride determines that it’s up to me to make what God spoke come to pass. (since when was it ever up to me??)
then, nothing works out that i attempt and i give in to the terrifying anxiety and fear. it overwhelms me.
i do not sleep properly. my eating patterns become sporadic. i wake up one morning and i’m trapped in the pit of depression.
the enemy shouts lies at me…and i readily believe them.

but then…. God yanks me out of it. He always does.

He is SO FAITHFUL.

what God spoke to me in the beginning came to pass.
and everything worked out beautifully.
it is continuing to work out beautifully.
He is more faithful.

so now what? i have been thrust into a brand new place of life– a crisp season overflowing with new fragrance.
and what of God?

well…. He has been speaking to me –even still.
His promises i cling to.

…depth.
…abounding.
…freedom.
…even more chains being broken.
…building of strength.
…intimacy with Him.
…abundance.
…radiant light.

He is SO faithful.

 

remain.

God told me to do the school of worship.
He gave me a full time job.
He gave me stability.

Then winter hit.
And for the first time in a long time, I was afraid.
I didn’t know how to be myself anymore.
Who I am was never enough for anything.
Several unfortunate financial problems occurred.

Car, cell phone, a scam.

Then God spoke to me “time to move on”
and my friends spoke to me, “time for something new”
Uncertainty completely overwhelmed me.

I could not, could not control anything at all.
Sleep was lost, food hard to consume.
My waking thoughts a torment.
My sleeping dreams full of fear and anguish.

February ended.

Still, nothing.

Emptiness came over me.
Emptiness consumed me.

Laughter was hard, but many attempts were made.
Speaking honesty became difficult.
“I”m fine.” and then paste on a smile.

Now it’s March.
and I am still afraid.
and I am still uncertain.
every door seems closed.

Hope is elusively sprinting away from my grasp.

“Be still.” He whispered.

and I was still –for a time.
but then the whirlwind began again.
and enraged by my silence, the darkness resumed with fury.

suddenly,

numb.