it always happens.

something good goes down in my life, i actually think i know joy….and then a few days, or weeks later my heart is back in the tank.

i am frustrated.

because i have tried for nearly 3 years now.
to make connections.
to create friendships with people my age.
to be able to be myself and have it be okay.

….and it still hasn’t happened.

oh, sure, i have a few friends, maybe 3 close friends.
yes that’s right. 3 close friends.
with all of the people that are my age group that i know, i find it incredibly disheartening that only 3 people ever plan to hang out, ever text me to see how i’m doing…there are only 3 people who really share life with me.

that is SO discouraging to someone who fights to be honest.

it puts SO MUCH doubt in my heart and in my mind.
because i never really for a second believe i belong to this “family” i’m joined to.
it’s nearly impossible for me to find reasons to stay in this town.

i want to go home.
i miss my real family more than words can express.
i miss the familiarity of the streets i grew up with, the small town life.
it’s practically impossible to see the stars in Kenosha. when i lived in Reedsburg i lay under the stars almost every clear night.

the stars always kept my heart still.
in all of the chaos of life, in all of the uncertainty, i could gaze upon the stars and KNOW that i wasn’t alone.
i have none of that assurance here and now.

time and time again it happens, i will be chatting with someone, trying my hardest to be social and get to know people, and someone else will run up and say to the person i’m speaking with, “hey! a bunch of us are going to [insert location] after [insert event] you wanna come??!” and that person typically replies, “sure! see ya there!” and then turns back to me to say “oh hey i gotta go but it was nice talking to you.”   **silence**  “you too.”

it’s happened more times than i can count.

and my heart is tired. exhausted actually.
because i just don’t belong here no matter how hard i try.
maybe i should have gone home a long time ago and i missed it.

living in this forsaken town is like trying to light a fire with soaking wet matches.
pointless and impossible.


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