these are the words stuck inside of me. (a poem)

your voice, your smile, the twinkle in your eye

laughter and honesty, it’s never the same..yet it is
whenever i am close to you, my heart burns
and my face flushes like i am

fifteen
and sitting in 2nd period English class
wondering if the quarterback would notice me if i curled my hair…
but then,

you always have.
and we are friends, but could you see it as more?

my heart is as unstructured as this poem.

what could you ever see in me?
i ponder, i speculate

is it easy for you
with the your perfect, soft-spoken honesty and
the adventurous grace you so shyly display?

can you tell that the usual indifferent drumbeat
of my heart has caught fire,
the flames, singeing the only defenses i have left?
can you see how my cheeks flush and my eyes
shine
when you are near?

then,
for a moment,
all of the questions cease.
and the doubts swiftly speak up
my head reels and i’m dazed– dizzy even

“what would ever make this work?”
it’s not up to you, but it’s not even up to me
“you’re not good enough for him”
“it’s temporary” and “it will soon go away”
…but it’s been months
“you’re setting yourself up for sadness”
“..and aching sorrow”

but what is sorrow anyway?
nothing more than an absense of joy
and surely,
i have enough joy
for armies and hundreds beside
then i am reminded of the fading words of a wizened wizard:
“it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”

decided, i take a deep breath and
as i seek to regain my equilibrium,
my heart makes the choice for me…

dive,
deep.