sometimes you win, sometimes….you don’t.

it has literally been one of those weeks.
where everything seems to be falling apart and hope isn’t even a visible reality.

i started my week off by trying to do lunch with a group of my peers after church. needless to say, i was very excited because honestly, i never get invited to anything right? so i drive across town to the designated location and i get a text “oh hey they’re too full, we’re going to this other place” okay cool, they’re right next to each other so no biggie just hop over one parking lot and bam i’m there.  i didn’t see anyone else i knew or any cars i knew, so i went inside and asked the hostess if there was a group of ladies somewhere i was meeting them. she led me over to some people i didn’t know, and the whole time i’m scanning the establishment, looking for the people who invited me…nothing. “oh maybe you’re the first one here!” she said, “yeah maybe” i whispered, with a sinking feeling in my gut. so i decided to go back to the front and i had no service so i walked out the front doors thinking i would wait there while i tried to text the people i was meeting. that was when i got the text that said, “hey we actually invited other people and forgot and now our table is full…sorry”  

i fought very hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to escape and made my way back to my car where i replied and started heading home. once i got home, i was very glad that i was alone so i could have my mental breakdown alone in private….that’s where the whole week started.

Monday morning i came into the office and after being there for not even 5 minutes, my boss calls me into her office to let me know that she decided my backup would be handling all of my work for that day and i would be doing regular phones.  there were things i had been in the middle of and with no advanced warning, this decision stressed me out very very much….cue the madness.
for whatever reason, our numbers have dwindled at my workplace and no one new has been hired, add to that the fact that a quarter of our people were out due to illness or vacation or other reasons and the phone calls were a NIGHTMARE. 

The week continued with Tuesday where the person who is my backup hadn’t gotten to everything that needed to be done…so not only was i starting off with a full work load, the phone calls i normally take were out of hand. right before i left for the evening, i had a super awkward run-in with one of our supervisors who, for some reason, feels the need to micromanage what i do everyday even though she is not my immediate supervisor. i brushed it off and went to the gym and knocked out a solid 2 miles on the dreadmill. felt better about things and i went to bed tired.  got a text at 3am that woke me up (which rarely happens) announcing that my roommate got engaged that night. okay that’s cool, go back to sleep. nope…. body wouldn’t let me. so i tossed and turned from 3 til 6:30 when i finally forced myself fully awake.  i got up and went about my day, completely exhausted. after another long and exhausting day at my job, i met up with my friend to run before homegroup. she announced that we would be running outdoors to which i immediately got nervous (aka: i’m the biggest klutz and there is snow and ice) but i did alright. the run was horrid and my breathing was basically the worst it had been since i started running. okay great news i have a 5k saturday outside… time to freak out. i’m not qualified for this. who am i kidding? i’m not a runner. (and on it went)…but i left and went to my homegroup where we had an average evening. i was tired beyond belief and really couldn’t handle anything else (definitely at capacity here, especially emotionally) so i bowed out without really having a chance to hang out with anyone and no one even noticed that i left. *shrug* didn’t really care, i was tired. came home, literally took a 5 minute shower, then crawled into bed, turned my electric blanket on and fell asleep. 

Thursday goes about the same, including an even more stressful day at work with my customers and the regular phones still being insane. I get home after having a confrontation with the crazy supervisor from earlier in the week and really need to just be with people so i don’t lose it. i find out one of my roommates is home and get excited. ask her to go out somewhere with me for dinner. her response is yes, then other people come home and she says she feels too ill to go with me…okay wow. <— my response. i left and sat in a coffee shop all alone for 2 hours with a chai tea and a book. came home and went to bed about 9:30pm.

Friday…just as crazy of a day and ALL DAY LONG, waiting and waiting for a response from someone i ended up getting a crush on. this is what happens when i let my heart give me hope, waiting forever and ever. still waiting as i write this blog actually. so the entire night has been filled with anxiety and aching feelings in my heart because guess what? once again on a Friday night, i literally have no one who wants to hang out with me. after 3 years in this forsaken city, i can’t keep believing it’s my fault anymore. i have tried. again. and again and damnit i have TRIED. if Sunday’s events were not an indicator of the way people here treat me then i don’t know what would be. the thing about the events of this week is that this is how life has been for weeks. months even. and it has WORN me down, down so much that i can scarce believe sunshine is real anymore. i scarce see joy as something i can actually know.  

don’t get me wrong, i’ve had moments of victory and a few moments of joy…mostly this has been an actual week from hell. i actually HATED my job this week. going into work stressed me out and being there made me so upset i couldn’t eat normally. i just want something to happen. something to change. can it PLEASE be spring and can there PLEASE be a dawn in my life because i truly cannot take it anymore. if ever there was a limit for a human for what they could handle, surely i’ve passed it by now.  

end ranting blog.
now i have to go to bed because tomorrow is an early morning because apparently i’m going to attempt running a 5k in the cold and snow….outdoors in Wisconsin in February. if ever i questioned my sanity, this would be it. 


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