“sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame”

I had fallen asleep somewhere around 11:45pm and here I was, awake at 5:30am. My body screamed for more rest, but my jaw was clenching and hurting so I pulled myself from my warm bed and dug around for some ibuprofen. After a quick trip to the bathroom, I crawled back into bed and tossed and turned for a good 45 minutes before I finally figured it out. 

“Okay Lord,” I whispered, “what are you wanting to speak to me?”
I reached for my phone and my water glass, and taking a long sip I clicked my Bible app open to Malachi 4:2 and this just leapt off the page: 

“But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from the stall. You will tread down the wicked, for they will be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day which I am preparing,” says the Lord of hosts.

Healing. He would speak healing. 

Here’s the thing guys, I’m about to get real and raw and honest on my blog. I have a very hard time believing in beautiful things. I see them everyday in life and I have most definitely seen them in my own life at times…but here’s where it gets tricky. I struggle with a deep deep cynicism about life. You would think that someone who hears God clearly would have it easy believing what He speaks and has spoken, but for me, that is actually not the case. It’s my biggest struggle.

To believe that He wants me.
To believe that He has plans for my life.
To believe that He has good things for me.

I have known deep pain, very much pain and more often than I would admit to anyone. Ever since God graciously gave me the gift of His Holy Spirit filling my life, I have become one of the most obnoxiously emotional people I have ever met. Unlike my former teenage years, it takes very little to make me cry (whether in sadness or joy) and I can recount many occasions where I have felt so deeply it aches to my very soul.  This, I do recognize is an immense gift from God because I never used to be a person to feel anything. I grew up shoving down emotions and putting on a mask of one who breezed through life. Even though it is a gift, it is still quite the a challenging piece of self to manage.  I still fight everyday to align what I think and feel to the truth God speaks in His word, and this is where my heart and my longing for Him crash with my cynicism. 

A couple weeks ago, on a Sunday morning, I shared a prophetic picture He gave me one evening. At the time I did not know it’s implications nor did I have a clue what it meant in my life, I am starting to see though, like a foggy landscape becoming sharper as the sun rises and clears away the mist. The picture I shared was this:

“God showed me a picture of a stone wall that appeared as though it was being built up but actually it was being torn down. There were layers and levels that were missing but some remained. Then God reminded me of the movie ‘Facing the Giants’ where one of the defense tactics the team carried out was referred to as ‘stone wall’. The play involved a very strong, grounded defense that stood up against the opposing team’s offense. What God spoke to me in that was this: ‘I am building a stone wall in you that will not crumble or fall. What I am building will be stronger than you have seen and more impossible to the untrained eye than you have known. But first, you must let Me tear down the old wall. Let Me break apart the old stones that you have built together, let Me break apart the pieces you have tried to maintain for so long. My wall is stronger and made of more stable materials. My building is immaculate and will not fail you. Trust Me. Let Me tear down to build stronger. To build deeper. To build permanent.”

God will tear down and God will build.
God will break but He will also deeply heal.

Times like this, I don’t mind being awoken early. 
There is no one I would rather spend my early mornings with than Jesus. 

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