summer playlists, open windows and empty hearts.

depression is such an interesting creature.
i call it a creature because it changes and evolves. just when you think you’ve found ways to avoid it and you’ve run from it for a determined amount of time, suddenly there it is again, chasing on your heels and clawing at your back and reminding you of its suffocating presence. 

i’ve been thinking about it the last few days. depression and this life.
because you see, i know many people who have fairly solid relationships with God, who have been born again (fairly radically most of the time) and still… still there is a lingering aroma of depression and sadness in our hearts. 

yes, one could argue that we long for Eden that we long for God Almighty and nothing will be ‘okay’ until we are made complete. okay fine. i can take that and believe it, even accept it because i realize we are in a fallen world with a flesh that is always dying. all of these things i understand on a deep level that a 24 year old can.

and i understand God is good.
i believe He is good.
i believe His love is real.
i believe He has chosen me.
the simple truths of my faith, i believe them. 

but then there are nights like tonight.
where i sit with my window wide open, urban murmurs coming through every so often.
i sit here listening to “Viva Forever” by the Spice Girls and feel a deep sadness and a consuming ache.
with fiery tears escaping from my eyes i find myself asking so many questions.

is there actually more to life than this?
more than a 9 to 5 and paying bills and this event and that outreach and getting coffee with so-and-so and dinner nights with my roommates? is there more than the latest summer soundtrack and my next 5k? is there more than the next prophetic word from God?

don’t misunderstand me. don’t get me wrong.
i love all of these things.
i deeply enjoy a good conversation over coffee.
i adore laughing with my roommates over the most ridiculous jokes.
i can never get enough of God.

but somehow something is still missing.
and lately i’ve been trying to dream because God spoke very clearly to me about dreaming.
lately i’ve been trying to wait patiently for my ‘new season’ to which God has spoken to both me personally and others for me. i believe there is something. something greater, something more. 

but where is it? and what is it?
and why, right now on this July evening do i have to sit here alone writing these questions and aching musings to my computer screen? sometimes it’s just so incredibly difficult to stay alive. 

and i don’t mean breathing.
i mean ALIVE.
i mean, waking up with passion rushing through your veins.

I have lost that.
and i am afraid it’s gone forever.

because….as funny as it sounds coming from ME…. i have dreams. desires. longings.
i dream of being able to sing.
i dream of falling in love and being loved in return.
i dream of travel and experience.
i long for a tangible happiness in my life. 
i desire a fire burning within me that cannot be quenched. 
i desire to touch people and see them healed in their hearts.
i desire to actually DO SOMETHING with my life.

…but like these last 24 years have shown, i have nothing to go on.
no talents, no direction. 
“go back to college” say some people.
“do the school of worship” urge others.
“you write so well” are the well meaning comments.

I GET IT. 
i am twenty four.
i have years ahead of me.
i have promise
i have so much more than 90% of this world.

but i don’t have direction.
and i don’t have but a handful of people who even support my dreams and my heart.
most people i know could care less what sits quietly inside my soul, yearning to escape and be free.

free.

i long to be free. 

to not spend nights in tears but to know life deeply. to love deeply. to have joy deeply.

but tonight i will simply be wishing and dreaming for another day where something could happen.

maybe. 

 

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