“Oh, I’m a wandering soul
I’m still walking the line that leads me home alone
All I know I still got mountains to climb on my own
On my own
Breathe it in and let it go
Every breath you take is not yours to own
It’s not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?”
4 years ago I went to a concert, had a conversation with a stranger (now a dear friend) and gave my life to Jesus.
6 short months later, I gave up everything I had known my whole life and moved away from home to a city called Kenosha.
It was a drastic change from the sleepy little “everybody knows everybody” town I grew up calling home. People drove fast, hung out in coffee shops and were very particular about appearance. I found myself a few weeks later, terribly alone on my 21st birthday, living in a city that felt strange to me, sleeping in a bed that was not my own. I knew God had been very direct in what He had spoken, and yet, I was sure that I had somehow made a mistake. A year passed. Then two…and I finally died. All the old parts of Reedsburg, small-town, country-girl Liz were stamped out, burned down and ashes scattered to the wind as I experienced the deepest, most terrifying winter of my soul I have ever known. Some months later, I emerged, barely breathing, eyes squinted at the dawn that had begun to appear on my horizon. I began to very slowly stand up again, on incredibly shaky legs, holding on tightly to the only thing I escaped with– my faith, my Jesus.
Time passed again and I had traveled to Nashville, God revealed what His mercy means to me in such a deep and impactful way, I knew it was a part of my story I would begin to mark my life by. Bit by bit, struggling and fighting, I kept pulling air into my lungs– forcing myself to stay alive and breathe again. God began giving me more and more pieces of ground to stand on and soon enough a foundation was forming. The lies that once held me tightly captive fell off me– once and for all– and I was able to raise my head. What I saw astonished me. I began to have intimate times with God, I was incredibly amazed by what He spoke and revealed to me. I bought a new journal and filled it to the brim with hope and prophetic pictures and words and pieces of what I was seeing. The adventure quickened and God named me. “Beloved” He took deep, great care to walk things out with me and I had less than zero understanding of what was happening in those times, but I was faithful to my job, faithful to the people I knew and I continued learning to fight. Sometimes I would be wounded by another, or the sting from the thrust of my sword would send the enemy raining down upon me in attack and I would lose myself for several days, only to erupt with tenacity and keep fighting.
In the middle of the early days of my new life, I had a conversation with that same dear friend and he reminded me of the promise I made him to live. He called me out and asked what I was doing to actually keep that promise. For the first time since that night so long ago, I realized that meant DOING something. I began running and training for races that I was so sure I couldn’t complete but I signed up anyway. I made plans for friends to visit my city and tried new things. I learned how to apologize for hurting others that I cared about and I learned to give up my hours and minutes to serve others. “Go find yourself” he urged me…and so I did. I picked up my camera again, re-vamped my website, and purged a third of my belongings to the curb.
and then… just a week ago I went to a couple of shows on a tour and helped my friends out with their merch table, prayed with incredibly deep intercession and opened myself up to whatever could happen. It was incredible beyond anything I had known since that show 4 years ago and I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on with everything… why was the struggle suddenly beautiful?
Several days later at a church prayer meeting, God spoke to me and said “NOW”
and I was incredibly terrified. I was concerned that what I was hearing merely echoed the thoughts and desires of my heart that had died a long time ago. “Lay it down, Beloved” is what He whispered to me all those years ago…and let it go I did. I let it go so very much that I discounted my passions as nothing more than musings of a younger, less experienced me. There was so much hope in my heart that I began to let fear control my thought patterns and for days I said nothing to anyone about it, it was far too terrifying to audibly speak what I had hoped for since I was 12….to make a difference. To see people impacted firsthand. To be on the front lines.
So here I sit tonight, music wrapping itself around my heart, reminding me of everywhere I’ve been and what I’ve done. These songs are mini-time capsules, they echo faces and smells, bringing back to the front of my heart everything God said to me then and did to rescue me and change me deeply. As I’ve listened to past prophetic words spoken over my life, and let myself go back into photographic memory and written account of what I went through, I have come to one conclusion.
my God can do ANYTHING. He can do ALL THINGS.
I have no idea what this looks like, I have no clue what my steps of faith will have to look like, or even where to begin, but what I do know is my God is for me, my Jesus has rescued me because He delights in me. I know that faith is to believe God over circumstance and emotion. I know my choices in my head and in my heart have to remain focused on His face to end up where He means me to be. Nothing else will suffice and nothing else will satisfy.
For the first time that I can recall, I am speaking here asking for prayer from those of you who graciously take the time to read my thoughts and share in these pieces of my life. Fear is still heavy on my heels and I know it is a liar, wanting to keep me stagnant in comfortable complacency.
I also know I cannot settle for that, cannot stand for that.
I’m choosing to end this post with a song I first heard at age 11 that changed my life. This song is by a lesser known Christian artist and incredible song writer, Scott Krippayne. The song is titled “Deeper Still” and despite some of the cheesy late 90’s production, this song was my prayer for years and still cuts me to the heart today. Link: click here
“But the current pulls the sand and moves my stubborn feet,
from the dryness of the land, to where the waves pound over me”