the war inside.

“Do you want to come over and watch a movie?”

the text message glowed brightly on my phone in my right hand, starkly contrasting against the darkness of the room i was in, curled on a couch, trying to determine what to do with my evening. i had just had a very full day of photography and an unexpected exchange threw my whole day off– it had been so good, how could it suddenly go so badly with just a couple of sentences?

“Yes!” i replied and as i hit ‘send’ i knew it was a wise decision to not remain alone for the evening. i peered out the window and sure enough, my ride was parked and waiting for me so i slipped on my shoes, zipped up my layers and pulled the door behind me. “Forrest Gump” was the movie of choice and to be honest, i had never seen the whole thing straight through until that night. i’ve never been much of a tv or movie person and i wasn’t worried, it was thoroughly enjoyable for me to watch the full storyline unfold. hanging out was incredibly relaxing (which, as an introvert, is extremely rare for me) and i didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. i spent the short walk home after the movie questioning why i’ve lived in Kenosha for 3 years and not hung out with this person hardly at all. the closer i got to home, the clearer it became that i was about to be hit very hard by attack. i knew it was coming, i already saw the scene play out in my mind and i knew it was unavoidable–sooner or later i was going to have to go upstairs to my bedroom, close the door and face them. i procrastinated as much as i could, retrieving some items from my car but finally, with heavy feet, i made my way into the house. i didn’t even take off my jacket downstairs.  with a deep sigh, i began the ascent of the stairs and as i stood in the dark outside my bedroom, i reached my hand out and touched the familiar smooth wood.  i took a deep breath and stepped inside, swiftly closing the door behind me.

for over two hours i struggled and fought. on the floor, curled in a ball, hugging my knees, shaking and rocking and sobbing and shaking some more. it was the hardest fight i had had in a couple years and the voices were so incredibly real and tangible it was all i could do to keep myself breathing at all. back and forth for two hours it was a war between what my body wanted to do and what i could feel and hear the Spirit in me steadying me to do.

eventually i found myself curled up under blankets in bed, not even sure how i made it there, but i welcomed sleep– it was quite a relief to me after the war i just fought. i wasn’t even sure i won, but i was completely exhausted and spent so sleep was welcomed indeed.

the next morning, i woke up very groggily and blinking the sleep from my eyes, the first thing i noticed was how the sun was streaming through my window– the sun! i climbed out of bed, showered and since i was up early, i had time to come back and curl under my warm blankets for another hour or so. i pulled out my phone and flipped to my bible reading for the day. nothing super significant happened, but it was nice being able to breathe and not feel suffocated like the night before.

i continued my morning routine and set off for the morning church meeting. i knew fairly quickly that a dream God had given me when i was in that place between awake and asleep was a word to bring to someone this morning. suddenly all that mattered was how quickly i could jot it down and then find her. it was imperative in timing and i felt like the world around me was in slow motion. after a bit of a search (being short has some serious disadvantages) i found the person the word belonged to and spoke it to her. as tears filled her eyes and fell down her face, i knew it was accurate and she was amazed it was happening, so i prayed with her and for her and went back to my seat.

that’s just what it’s like for me and i never even question it anymore. the attacks are always terrible and often times i find myself barely escaping them because i am not strong at fighting. i am better than i was 4 years ago and even 6 months ago but i am being completely honest when i say that fighting is not a strong suit for me. i am overly sensitive to the spiritual and supernatural and it causes me to live this way. i have learned when these attacks come to remove myself from being around people because i know it scares people and i know my reactions to what happens can be frightening at times. i can be a very up and down person which is a challenge for some people who prefer stability in these areas. for years and years i thought i was a complete mental case– a freak of the oddest kind. it wasn’t until i was filled with the Holy Spirit and went through a Vision and Commitment class teaching “Prophets and Prophecy” that i realized my life was not as insane as i believed it to be…in fact it made sense. to be a person sensitive to the spiritual and bent towards the prophetic means to feel and go places some people don’t understand. it means to go to the depths of depravity and the heights of joy– always with God and always with intensity.

even tonight i found myself discussing with a friend how sometimes it is such a burden to be this way, because so often i feel as though i have no control over what happens to me, my life is subjected so very much to the spiritual and the war that many don’t even know is happening.

i don’t write this to self-glorify or to whine and say “woe is me”– rather, i write this story out of honesty and an attempt to put into words what i live out on a fairly regular basis. it’s not easy and there are times when encouragement is hard to be found. this is a post of honesty and nothing more. thank you lovelies xx

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